And any time you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain…

…Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder…
-”Hey Jude” by the Beatles.

Well bonjour blog goers. Today’s entry will begin with a bit of a game of ‘good news bad news’. Or ‘good news, less good but not actually that bad news’.

The apartment I spoke of in my previous entry will have to wait. I called the guy to tell him I had the first months’ rent, and the deposit, and I left him a message on his phone. He called me back later that day to say that a good friend of his is going through a divorce and had nowhere else to go, so he’s temporarily staying in “my” apartment. The landlord told me he would call me when it was all settled and everything so I could move in.

So basically I’m still going to get it, I’ll just get it later than I expected. He doesn’t know how long it’ll be. Could be a couple weeks, could be a few months. Nobody knows.

This is technically a good thing. For one, I’ll have more time to save up money. And, since my parents have told me they’ll only let me take this computer with me when I have another job, it will give me more time to procure another job before I move out. So, while I was really disappointed initially, I realized it wasn’t worth the huge end of the world breakdown that I almost had over it. Speaking of those, I’ve had more of those lately than I care to remember. My hormones are just now getting back on track from the lovely week Mother Nature provided me with last week.

Now that that’s out of the way, I want to take this opportunity to bitch about Friday and Saturday nights at work. They sucked.

Friday night was super ultra busy. I was in a greeaaat mood, let me tell ya.
At one point there three people including me doing dishes. That could have been Saturday night but I’m pretty sure it was Friday night. Ugh. Despite the super busyness, I didn’t get off all that late.

Saturday night was a killer. They were having some beer fest event thing going on, and from almost the second I walked back to the kitchen, I was completely swamped. Adam worked and he’s very amusing, so that helped my mood a little, but not much. It was just ungodly busy. The kitchen closes at ten on Friday and Saturdays, and I didn’t get out of there until around 11:45 or so. I felt really lame being the only person left in the kitchen while one of my co workers who hadn’t worked that night was dancing (he only does this when exceptionally drunk), another was fairly drunk, but… my music was better than theirs. While their dj was forced to play bad country music I listened to Paul McCartney, and when the dj came back to the kitchen to use the back door so he could have a smoke break, I purposely put on Pat Benetar to sing to so he would hear me when he came back through the kitchen.

It worked. He told me I had a great voice and I should be in kareoke. I was even too flattered to bitch about how he pronounced it “kuh-roh-kee” instead of the CORRECT “Kah-ree-oh-kee”. I don’t know if that’s a pronunciation trend just in Iowa or elsewhere, but it torks me off.

Despite that, I was in a shitty mood when I got off work.

Anyway. I got off work, and had my free after work drink. I was stupid and called my ride before I thought to ask this bartending friend of mine if he’d give me a ride home. Of course he said yes.  While calling my ride he said he’d wait half an hour/forty five minutes to come so I’d have a little bit of time to chill out.

During this time, some creepy tubby guy told me his friend was looking for a girlfriend and asked if I’d be interested. I was going to ask if his friend were blind, ugly,  and or mentally retarded b/c that’s the only time people hit on me but I don’t think he understood because he said “Well he’s sitting behind you blah blah you can look for yourself” and I just ignored them. If he wants to  hit on me, tell him to hit on me himself, not have his friend come up and ask me for him.

This is not junior high, people. I’m turning 23 in four days, for crying out loud.

I felt bad when they walked away going “oh, she hates us let’s go blah blah” whatever else they said, but I was just not in the mood. I kind of slapped myself over it later because.. what if the guy was cute and/or I got along with him? Anyway. I had like three drinks in like ten minutes. Another wine cooler (not my free after work drink), a fuzzy navel, and a shot of peppermint schnapps. Which, with as low as my tolerance is now that I don’t hang out at the bar regularly, that was enough to get me druuunk.

So, after I asked the friend of mine for a ride and he said yes, I called home, thinking my dad would be in his chair waiting to come get me. No. I wake my mom up, I told her to tell dad not to come get me, but he’d already left.

So this older dude I haven’t seen at the bar forever was in there and was talking to me. And seemed to sense I was dwelling on something or someone and told me shit like there are better people out there, I looked way better than I did a year ago, if it were him he’d blah blah” and some other shit I don’t remember, but I was in a bad mood anyway, right before I went outside to wait for my ride I was like “Why is it only creepy old men that find me attractive?!” because with the exception of high and or drunk guys, only old creepy guys find me attractive…

So I was in a great depressed/grumpy mood already. Then when my dad finally got there, the entire ride home we argued about how it was such a bad idea for me to call home, I only ever thought of myself, I should have given up after I called him the first time, blahhh. And the water works were on. The faucet handle was busted. I was blubbering like.. well like something that blubbers a lot. I don’t know. I reminded myself why nobody liked drunk crying depressed me at those parties I used to go to. I felt like crap.

Anyway… The next day was better. Yesterday, my mom and brother were planning to go to Medford Mall to do some shopping. I initially said I just wouldn’t go, but after last night I decided I needed a good pick me up, and a day away from home, so I decided to go with them.

It was rainy, but not as rainy as it was last time we went. I didn’t end up spending much money either. I chronicled the day taking pictures with my cell phone.  I’m probably going to write a facebook blog about it with the pictures and the songs we heard while on the way/while there… but until then, I got a burgandy zip up hoodie from Old Navy.. It has a white silhouette of a bird with a heart on it, and says “hope” in capital letters on the left sleeve… and it was only 13 bucks. For a hoodie. And I’d been looking for another zip up hoodie since my brown heart/wings one is getting on in years (lol). I have this purple nice-ish blouse thing that I got from Lane Bryant last time we were at Medford (in June, I believe it was), and they had the blue version on the sale rack, so I got it. I also got these cheap books at the bookstore. One’s about unlocking your bipolar muse, and I thought it looked super interesting, plus it was only three dollars, so I figured what the hell. I also saw this book about psychedelics that looked interesting… I was ready to pay the 14 bucks it said on the back, but then I saw the 5 dollar sale tag on the front… so I got that too. I don’t feel bad since it was like 8 bucks for both of them.  I also got a slouchy crocheted hat  for seven bucks and a super on sale bracelet at Rue 21. I wasn’t going to buy the bracelet. Then I saw the 50 percent off sign which made it  cost a grand total of 1.25.  Other than a cheap little bag of mixed nuts at Harry & David that was all I bought. I still have to pay mom back for dinner though (we got fast food drive thru so we wouldn’t have to stop on the way back).

But I needed that. My feet were totally killing me after that but it was fun.

Today hasn’t been real eventful unless you count expanding my Paul McCartney picture collection by about 130 pictures “eventful”. And I’m still only on number 578 of 4000 some pictures of him on photobucket. There are a bunch of repeats, but still. That’s a hell of a lot of pictures.

I have to work tonight, and I’m a bit apprehensive about that after the weekend I had, but Mondays are not busy at all. I am a bit worried about these pans though. I stuck them underneath the sink on this like big stand thingy to get them out of the way till I had time to work on them, and I think I forgot them there. And I didn’t put away all the clean dishes I had at the end of the night, but.. they’re not open on Sunday, and I work today. I figure, I’ll have to do them today anyway. And I didn’t take out my garbage, but it was only like half full. I’ll live though, those are only little pieces of yarn in my craft case of unnecessary anxiety.

Anyway, that’s all I really have to talk about at the moment, so it is here I leave you.

She picks up daisies from a field, she loves to weave them in her hair, I know she knows it isn’t real, she still hears music in the air, it’s coming from inside her heart, I hope it lasts forever…

—”See  Your Sunshine”, by Paul McCartney.

Well bonjour, Mesdames et Messieurs. It seems we have found ourselves at the end of another Wednesday and the beginning of another Thursday.  I always feel strange when I begin an entry and end an entry technically on different days.  I don’t know whether to say tomorrow or today.

Anyhoo. I have a bit of good news since my last entry. Recently, I have stayed overnight at a co worker’s house a few times. One such time when I was waiting for her to close the bar so she could give me a ride home (to her home, I don’t like showing up at my folks’ house late),  I was talking about some dilemmas I’ve been having regarding my living situation, and she said “You need my help”. She was aware of a studio apartment for rent, and she and her hubby are friends with the owner (they have even stayed in one of his apartments). She talked to him, and set up an appointment for me.

The appointment went great. The house the apartment is in was built in the 1800s and used to have a ballroom upstairs I believe. There is a metal spiral staircase outside for entry into the apartments, and a different wooden spiral staircase inside for actually getting all the way upstairs.

The room is amazing. It has this galley style kitchen, and a slanty ceiling, and it just gives off this amazing artistic energy. The only thing is, the bathroom is out in the hallway and I’d have to share it with the older gentleman that lives in the other studio apartment.

I got a good vibe from the landlord guy,  and I told him I was artistic and an old soul so this house/studio apartment was nothing short of amazing.

The utilities are paid, they have high speed internet, and it’s furnished.

I had a good feeling about it but in the back of my mind I was thinking “This is too good to be true, at just 280 a month in rent”…

It gets better. The deposit is only 100 bucks, and at the end of our little meeting, he gave me his name, number, and told me to call him when I have the deposit and we’ll work something out as to when I can move in.

And. I have the deposit. I am going to call him some time tomorrow morning to say I’ve got the deposit and to work out a time I can give it to him/discuss a moving in date. I’m going to want to move in as soon as I possibly can, but I might have to wait until the first of October.

I never thought this would happen. I mean, I always knew it would some day, but never did I expect to meet a co worker like the co worker I have… And I owe her big time. If it weren’t for her I wouldn’t even have known about this apartment. And, utilities paid, furnished, for 280 a month?  Shit.

And the place is an artist’s dream. It’s got this great artsy feel to it,  I feel like I could get some really great artwork going in there.

The only thing I’m going to have to worry about is getting to work. My mother told me she’s not going to take me to work all winter, which she won’t have to. My co worker said she could give me rides to work. And I really hope she can because I still can’t drive and even if my parents are still willing to for a while… I would just feel weird. I can pay my co worker some gas money so she’s not like losing out on the deal. That is really the only thing I’d have to worry about.

Because when I work, we get free soup, bread, and salad (basically as long as the cook doesn’t have to cook it, it’s free). So I could even nick some of their cottage cheese… But I could grab a little cup of soup, a thing of bread, and a salad, and have not only that night’s dinner, but the next day’s lunch and dinner taken care of.

My parents are going to let me take the electric skillet we have that we never use, I believe we have an extra coffee pot that works, there is already a microwave, and there is a half size fridge but I’ll want to take my dorm fridge so I have almost a full fridge, and since the place has high speed internet there’s a good chance my parents will let me take this computer with me.

Besides this computer, my dorm fridge, and my record player/some of my records, I can basically move most of the stuff I need myself. Even if that entails stuffing it into a backpack and a duffel bag, and biking to the house.

Aren’t we, as children, taught that if something seems to good to be true, it probably is? Even though it’s not the case I’m having some trouble fully believing that this is actually going to happen. It’s not some thing a year in the future, it’s going to happen. Not hypothetically, it actually is. My paranoia and anxiety are acting up big time thinking somebody else will get the thing, but.. Hell. I just talked to him on Monday, and he told me to call him when I had the deposit. I doubt that in the course of not even three days he will have given it to someone else. I really am a worrywart…

I really owe my co worker.  First off, she’s let me stay over night at her house several times, she cut and colored my hair, and she is the sole reason I found out about this apartment. I don’t care how poor I am, she’s getting a freaking Christmas present.

I am so happy I can’t even describe.

Sure, it’s going to be a tough existence, especially since it will be the first time I’m really living on my own.  I got a taste of it in the dorms at college, but I’ll get even more here. I mean, I am still on the family’s cell phone plan, and I’ll still be coming home to do laundry, but other than that, I’ll be fending for myself, and I can’t tell you how thrilling a prospect that is.

In other news, I am still very much in musical love with the Beatles/Paul McCartney. I have been rationing out how much I listen to them in a single day though.  I won’t lie, I have listened to them a lot since my obsession basically began on the 9th (that was two weeks ago already? Shit! Time has certainly flown!)….

When in the very first episode of a new obsession, I tend to want to go overboard and listen to nothing but them for weeks at a time, and seeing as I don’t want to tire of the Beatles for a long, long time, I am not going to beat the crap out of their music like I usually do when obsessed with something.

I am going to have trouble sleeping tonight, I’m so excited.

In other less pleasant news, I have the hotel stay thing this weekend as an alternative for.. well you already know if you’ve read this before. But that is this weekend and I have all the money I need for that.

Speaking of money, I forgot to put earlier, but I will have to ask if the deposit on the apartment counts as part of this month’s rent, he just has to have it before hand, or if it’s in addition to. I’m pretty sure it’s in addition to, but my brother brought it up and I figured it would be a good thing to ask.

I’m noticing I’m starting to ramble, so it is here I end today’s entry. I will let you know how the phone call goes technically later today. xD And when I get to move into the apartment (whether that begins tomorrow or on the first of October), I’ll make sure to take lots of pics…

Good night, everyone.

We all live in a yellow submarine…

I really hope you know whose lyric that is.

So, I know I haven’t written in a while.. Like four days shy of a month.. ^^;

I recently sent in the first payment on my fine, when I get paid this week I’ll be sending another. I need to get my money from those weekends I worked at PM Park, because next weekend is that manditory two day class thing I have to take as part of my fine thing.  Tomorrow I’m going to make some calls as to exactly when we have to show up, which hotel in Charles City it’s at, and exactly how much money we need to bring. I think it’s like 380 and I am nearly there, but I really need that PM Park money. I’ll ask about it when I work tomorrow.

The Renaissance Festival I wrote of in my last entry went well. I bought a burgandy hippie skirt, a necklace which they converted into a headband thing for me, and a thing of patchouli scented bath salts in a neat glass bottle. When I use up the bath salts, it’s either going to hold all the broken glass I get from the lake shore, or I’ll just save change in it.

With the exception of that wonderful few days I have every month, I’ve been riding my bike to the library at least three times a week for a month or two now, which I feel awesome about.  Although I’m not going to lie, when my allergies are kicking my ass, plus I’m exhausted from riding to town like twice in a day, plus I have heartburn related chest discomfort, I start to get a little paranoid.

And now I have a sore throat.

If you didn’t know by now, I have entered into the world of my latest obsession. I had been flitting between small obsessions for a while now, but 9-9-09 basically marked my descent into Beatlemania and if loving them is wrong, I don’t ever want to be right.

There is some other good news regarding one of my friends.

As you may or may not recall, in January of this year, my best friend Vanessa and I got into a big fight that was mostly if not all my fault and in which I was a complete ungrateful, juvenile, lazy waste of space. I said things I shouldn’t have said and acted in a way I shouldn’t have.  We haven’t spoken for 7+ months, but a few days ago when I commented on something she posted on deviant art, she replied to me and we’ve actually talked back and forth about this funny site that has bad photoshop stuff on it and a little about my new favorite band, the Beatles.

Now, a few messages back and forth about failblog type pictures may not seem like much to some people, but seeing as Vanessa was my best friend and we haven’t spoken for 7+ months, this is a breakthrough. I kept thinking of dropping her a line apologizing for how I acted, but each time I couldn’t think of what to say or how I’d say it.

I have really missed talking to her, and you know, I’ve learned a lesson from the time in which we didn’t speak. Maybe I was taking her for granted, I don’t know. What I do know is that I will not let it happen again and I’m glad we are speaking again. I hope I can salvage the friendship I fucked up, and if we do find that we can be friends again, then the Beatles truly are the best band in the world because I have them to thank for us starting to speak again.

So thank you John, Paul, George and Ringo. <3

Speaking of my new favorite band, yesterday I bought two Beatles cds (the new remastered releases of Help! and Rubber Soul), and Rubber Soul came with this mini crate cd holder thing and a tee shirt featuring the Rubber Soul album art, the tee shirt which I am now wearing.  I listened to both albums multiple times last night. Not only are both albums amazing enough to warrant listening to them multiple times in a row, I really can tell that they have been remastered. The harmonies on Nowhere Man were so amazing and clear it was almost like I was standing in the recording studio.

Well, that is where I end this entry. My allergies are kicking my ass, my throat hurts from singing myself hoarse last night while listening to my new cds, and I have heartburn. And, I just ripped my two new cds to the computer, and there is a never ending pop up from one of them that I have to deal with, and I would rather not lose this entry.
Au revoir for now.

We are stardust, we are golden

Howdie everyone. Not that anybody reads this but by now I don’t care; I like hearing (seeing, rather) myself talk.

I’ve updated my opinion blog ( http://bluesilvermusic.wordpress.com/ ) several times but realized it’s been a while since I’ve bothered to think of this one.

I’m getting more hours, so that’s a good thing. And, lately there hasn’t been enough business to keep me there past 8 or 9pm but a couple times now I’ve had to work full days. Actually, last week, I worked almost a six and a half hour shift. Which isn’t even a drop in the ocean of work, but considering they’d been telling me to go home after two and a half or three hours for a month or more, it was a lot. Plus, last weekend I worked Saturday and Sunday at PM Park, and just yesterday I worked for seven hours there.

I get paid this Friday from my regular job, and my mom is working an event on Saturday at PM Park. Now, usually at my regular job I’m working Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and either this weekend or next weekend, they threw in a Saturday. Which was met by me with a grain of salt (It’s great I get an extra day’s worth of hours, but Saturdays are notoriously busy and therefore will suck), but whatever. I said that to say this. My mom is working an event on Saturday, and she’s going to ask about getting paid, and she said she’d ask about my money.

I wouldn’t care much, but this Sunday we are planning on going to the Renaissance Festival in Shakopee, Minnesota. Although, if it rains, or there is an overwhelming chance of rain we may postpone it, in order to avoid a scene like last year. I.E. last year the entire walking area was a mud pit and although we had fun, it rained all day and we all had mud slung up to our knees at the end of the day. Even if it’s not supposed to rain when we go, I’ve still got half a mind to bring extra pants and shoes.

Holy shit guys. Woodstock happened FORTY YEARS AGO. In a past life, I was either in the crowd or involved in some way.

Anyhoo. A couple days ago, I watched this two hour documentary about Woodstock. Or most of it anyway. I spontaneously rode my bike to the grocery store and got two of these energy water things. That I proceeded to drink right away. Then I watched the four hour Woodstock film. On and off, started a really trippy drawing in my sketchbook, and reawakened my hippie self. One thing I know is that in my lifetime, and before I’m old, I want to make a hippie pilgrimage to the site where they held Woodstock.

In other less pleasant news, I’m going to start paying the like 2000 dollar fine I have next week. As I said before, I get paid this Friday, and I’ll probably get my PM Park money this weekend as well, so as soon as shit is open on Monday I’m going to send my first payment in. I just hope they don’t see this temporary delay as a sign I’m planning to remain inactive on the whole thing, which I’m not.

Anyhoo, I wanted to talk about a couple things I’ve been meaning to write about, but those more fit my opinion blog which I am going to be updating shortly, so you are welcome to continue reading there: http://bluesilvermusic.wordpress.com/

Ask me why, I don’t know…

…You ask me why and I say
Now you see me now you dont
I thourght by now youd learned
Youre gonna get your fingers burned

-The Alan Parsons Project.

Okay. I’m not in a great mood. Great way to initiate posting in this blog again, right?

Yesterday I was supposed to meet with the public defender. I went to the courthouse, where I’ve gone for all my other appointments (I’ve made those all). Apparently, she has an office in another building, but do you think anybody thought to tell me that? No. So I get to the courthouse, they say it’s not on the schedule, so that was that. I left. I learned the next appointment I have to make is on August 27th, so I thought I just wrote it down for the wrong day.

I didn’t tell my mother this because I thought it better that she didn’t find out she made a trip to Mason for nothing. So the rest of the day was good. I walked to Coffee Cat, had a raspberry iced chai, it was great. I drew a little bit in my mini notebook, went to a couple of stores with mom, it was great.

Till we got home.

There was a message on my phone saying I’d missed the appointment. I was confused, because I didn’t learn until I called the office again that she has a seperate office that I should have been going to for all my appointments. Although nobody told me that. I just showed up at the courthouse and the person I had to meet with always seemed to be there. Only the courthouse didn’t tell me that all those times I had appointments, they’d had to call her to come in. Go figure.

This is making me look really bad, when it’s not my fault. Well you should double check. If there’s no doubt, I don’t fucking double check. If I made a concrete appointment with someone and nobody thinks to tell me I’m not doing what I should, it’s not going to occur to me to double check.

That was bad enough. Then this morning I was supposed to meet with her at noon at the Perkins here in town. I even had it written down. Thursday, noon, perkins. I have the sheet to prove it. So I get to Perkins and call the office… Well apparently she had it written on her calendar as Friday. When I’d repeated multiple times on the phone yesterday “THURSDAY, NOON, PERKINS” and even had it written down.

And then I get a nice lecture from my father about how oh, it’s never my fault, blah blah blah, yadda yadda… you should have double checked, blah blah…

I did double check. Double triple and quadruple checked. Even had it WRITTEN DOWN on the fucking sheet of paper I had in front of me, and he’s still trying to pin it on me. Then he tried to guilt trip me about oh, his first real day off in 9 days and he couldn’t make any plans because he had to take me to the stupid meeting.

Um. My brother doesn’t work today. He could have driven me. Don’t use this as an excuse for you not being able to make plans for your day off. Don’t give me that fucking humongous piece of steaming bull shit, goddammit. You didn’t HAVE to agree to take me. You could have asked David, and made plans. Besides. He gets up at like 5 am. He could have made plans for five hours, then been at home around noon to take me, then could have scooted off after that. Don’t fucking make me look worse than I already fucking am.

I am trying here, I really am, but nobody sees that. They just see misunderstandings that contrary to what they think can not be pinned solely on me. They just keep bringing up everything in the past. Like all the other times I’ve gotten shit wrong. These misunderstandings were NOT my fault. Maybe partially, but they’re acting like I’m just trying to skate through this whole thing and be irresponsible about it. Fuck them. They don’t know shit about what I’m doing. They don’t know shit. Because it’s “not what they would have done”, it’s wrong.

Then move out. What the fuck do you think I’m trying to fucking do? I’m not trying to act the same and expect something different, I’m honestly trying as hard as I can on some of this shit and all anybody ever sees is how I fuck up. Not the shit I get right. How about acknowledging some of that? A little encouragement goes a long way.

And it’s not as if I do all this shit on purpose. I don’t fuck up on purpose because contrary to what you may believe I don’t enjoy being yelled at and people being disappointed in me. Not on my list of favorite shit to do in life.

I am trying goddammit. I am trying. Sure I’ve been trying for a while but I’m still fucking TRYING. At least I’m trying at all.

But of course I can’t be believed, apparently. I repeated it on the phone multiple times. Wrote it down. So it’s not my goddam fault she wrote it down on the wrong day on her calendar.

Although, watch the secretary be a complete idiot and have told me it was tomorrow only for the fucking public defender to have called my house and asked where I was.

Then I’d get a whole nother ear ful when I get home. They’ll be all, well you should have double checked. It’s like, no matter who’s fault it is, it’s always MY fault because I didn’t do something or other. I didn’t double check, which I did. I didn’t do this or that, or this or that. I’ll get more of the “It’s always something else” speech.

But enough of that. It’s not going to ruin my entire day, I refuse to let it do so. If this entry seems a bit strange, it’s because sometimes I go to add a line farther up in the entry and end up getting on a tangent and forgetting there is a paragraph underneath what I’m writing. ^^;

Anyway. On a lighter note, I recently tried some rather unique soda sweetened with stevia leaf instead of sugar, and it has literally no calories fat or anything, and only the cola kind had caffeine in it. Drawback? I can only get it at Hy-Vee and it’s 99 cents a can. No matter. I liked the cola, cherry cola, and rootbeer kinds the most, the orange was passable and the sprite type lemon lime was okay I suppose but I wasn’t a huge fan. I also got some fruit leather which I could consider a healthy alternative to fruit roll ups… LOL
 I’ve also been riding my bike to the library a few times a week for a week or two now. It is harder than walking but seems to be a lot faster, plus it gets a little bit easier every time I do it. I bought these flat earth chips that have half a serving of vegetables in every serving. They are gone now lol but when I get paid I’m probably going to get some more, plus more of the stevia leaf soda. I’m drinking more water. All that jazz. I even started cleaning my room (I vacuumed it and rearranged a couple things) although I haven’t been able to look at the huge pile on my floor for a day or two. There’s a possibility I might do a little something in there today but chances are I’ll put it off till tomorrow. 

And, I know next to nobody reads this blog anyway, but I’ve started an opinion blog that has more direction than this one that you can find here: http://bluesilvermusic.wordpress.com/

I would greatly appreciate opinions. It’s a bit depressing to put effort into an entry and have nobody read it.

I also have a dream blog if anyone’s interested in that: http://bluesilverdreams.wordpress.com/

Dream a little dream of me…

-Mamas and Papas.

I’m not sure what that song has to do with my entry today, other than I’ve listened to it about five times in a row on youtube. It’s such a great mellow song, it reminds me of retro summers or something. It’s great.

Anyhoo.

Since I documented my day in pictures, it doesn’t feel like much has gone on. Summer is here, and June has been a strange month. For the first two weeks the weather was pleasant, although it did rain a little more than I would like.

Then, we got a huge storm, and it got freaking humid. Those humid days where you are sweating your ass off just sitting around. Great incentive to get up and do shit, right? So then yesterday we got a huge rainstorm, but for little longer than an hour, and now it’s nice out. The humidity has not returned to its full extent, but then again, it is only ten thirty in the morning.

A week or so ago, my mother, brother, and I went to Medford Mall. I didn’t spend much money. I got presents for my friend Jenny, she is about 4 months pregnant and is planning on having a shower some time in August. I am so excited for that. I don’t want summer to be over, but I can’t wait to go to Jenny’s baby shower.

Anyway.  Today was a pleasant enough morning to start out with. My parents left to go to the grocery store, and I played a good hour of the game boy advance game Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. The game had been lost for years till I found it in a duffel bag I haven’t used for years. It’s a fun game, what can I say.

My parents get home, mom seems to be in a decent mood. I am sitting on the couch eating my breakfast, a bowl of frosted mini wheats. She says “Is that your first breakfast?” as if to insinuate that I eat more than one. Which would be false, of course. I don’t eat at all between breakfast and lunch. God people. I don’t even always eat breakfast. Sometimes I don’t because I don’t feel the need to.

Then, my mom gets on the computer at home and gets all pissed because it’s fucking up. Last night, my brother was trying to make a music video and was trying to rip music from a cd. But it was one of those weird enhanced cd crap or something, so he had to install something before it would let him get music off of it. And even then, it wouldn’t import to windows movie maker. I don’t know the entire thing, I wasn’t there the whole time. But my mom starts bitching about she told “you guys” not to download anything like two years ago and it still happened, yadda yadda. Which, I haven’t been allowed on the home computers for about a month now, so I just asked that she didn’t get pissed at me for something I didn’t even do. Then, it turns into a discussion about how she purposely left a basket of clothes out for several days to see if ’someone’ would take the hint and fold them, and then about how I always bitch about having to do anything.

Here we freaking go.

First off, I’ve been getting a lot better at that. I don’t even care much at all about having to do the things I bitch about, bitching is just an automatic response, a terrible habit I’ve been trying to rid myself of. Secondly, my mother always like to assume I should “just know” when she wants me to do something. But here’s the thing. If it doesn’t bother me, I don’t notice. Plain and simple.

If you want me to do something, ask me to do it, don’t just assume that I can read your mind and automatically know what you want done. Good god. We’ve been through that before. I don’t want to make it sound like my mom has all the fault because she doesn’t, but it’s just…  ugh.  Then we got into a thing where she was saying she never bitches at David because, I can’t remember the exact wording, but something to the effect of he didn’t fuck up as much as me.

Here’s the thing. My brother has told me several times that the reason he doesn’t fuck up nearly as much as I do is because he saw me fuck it up first. As in, he’s learned from me, and I’m glad, but if he were the first child, I could very well be the one who got everything right because I’d had someone to fuck it up first. So I saw what not to do. So he’d be the one constantly getting bitched at. I don’t wish that upon him at all, but… it just makes me angry. Whenever anything is wrong, it seems I get blamed automatically, whether or not they know if I could actually have done it.

It could be a lot worse, though, and I realize that. It just torked me off a little. That it started out about being mad about the computer not working and ended up at a reason to be pissed at me. I know they don’t mean to but it seems like every reason to be pissed, whether it has anything to do with me or not, they always seem to in the end relate it back to me. And I know I might cause people some grief, but I don’t cause it all.

Anyway.

Not being able to drive and not being allowed to use the computers at home is good for me, I walk to the library a lot more often. And I’ve done a few drawings that might not have been done had I been allowed regular computer usage. I even sorted out my dresser and found an entire grocery bag full of clothes to get rid of. As well as some old toys and stuff I can get rid of.  So it’s not all bad, I suppose.

Anyway. On to lighter stuff. A few days ago, I found Beatles vinyl in the form of the “Help!” soundtrack… The album cover is a bit water damaged, and the record’s a tad warped, but holy shit. I also got a copy of Led Zeppelin I, in the same shape as the first record. I paid ten bucks, but the Beatles and Zep are two of a very exclusive collection of bands I would pay that much for. Queen and Def Leppard being included, and possibly Elton John even though he isn’t a band. xD Well. I’m off to check the like 100 emails I probably have since I last checked.

My day, Friday May 29th, 2009

Recently, somebody I watch on deviantart came up with a good idea. She documented a day in her life using pictures. I figured it sounded like a good idea. What with me being in something of a creativity block, it gave me something slightly creative to be working on.

Here is a day in my life, in just under 80 pictures. If you’re seeing an incomplete entry,  it’s because I safety saved. This is a big entry. I don’t want to do the entire thing only to find that for some reason, the save didn’t take.

Anyway. On with the show.

——

Friday May 29th, 2009.

Me, what felt like “last night” but was actually at 12:30 in the morning. Not a pretty sight! I got that tee shirt pillow at Kohl’s a couple years ago. The giant teddy bear behind me, I’ve had since it was taller than me.

This is what I see while lying in bed at night before I am asleep. Hours later, when I awoke in the middle of the night, there would be a spider crawling on my walls which I had to stand on my bed to squish.  I hate spiders. I don’t mind them outside, but the day I see them in my room is the day they die.

I just realized you can see Masi Oka’s picture in my room like four times, just in those two pictures. xD

Me waking up bright and early, complete with bed head and red stoner eyes. Masi Oka’s picture makes another appearance in the form of that photo edit on the wall. I edited a picture I had on the computer and got a print of it at Wal-Mart.  I hate Wal-Mart.  I shop there anyway. Wal-Mart and I have something of a love hate relationship. Hate their corporate crap, like the cheap shit. What can I say? I’m a human being, and human beings are shallow. ^^;

Either my mom or brother in my parents’ room getting ready for school. I didn’t see who. If you’re wondering why my brother would need to be in there to prepare for school, we keep the hairdrier in there.

Why the fuck am I up this early?

My dad watches a couple episodes of The West Wing every morning. It’s usually what wakes me up.

The view in the study room, where the computers are. This is where I spend a good portion of my time.  Not hard considering the view.

What I am about to have. Mountain Dew at 7:30 in the morning=WIN. My parents drink coffee, I drink caffeinated soda. I should switch to tea. It’s healthier.

Mon frère getting ready for school.

I log on to to the computer for the first time, checking news stories on MyYahoo.
Can you believe the stupid things people call 911 for? xP And GM going bankrupt… It seems this economy is screwing everybody up the bum.

I am a fan of strange but true news. I get most of my news through MyYahoo. I like entertainment news, but I am not obsessed with it. I just like to have something of an idea regarding what’s going on.

I log onto facebook, where I play one of my favorite games, Pet Society. My pet Mandy gained a level today.  Cosmos is the online pet of one of my online friends, Kat, a sister in Queen crime. She’s particularly fond of Brian May/Queen, and named her pet after Queen + Paul Rogders’ album ‘The Cosmos Rocks’. I am ashamed to admit this as a Queen fan, but I do not have the album yet. I may ask for it for my birthday in October.

Then I log onto Gaia Online, where they have a prom event going on. Yes I’m a nerd. No I don’t care if you care. As you can see, I was enjoying a song called Blasphemous Rumours by Depeche Mode on youtube at the time.

As you can see, I’ve spent a couple hours online.

I decide that this is the perfect time to do some dishes.

I decide I need some tuneage, so I turn the kitchen tv to Vh1Classic, where I find a bizarre video to a song, “It’s a Mistake” by Men at Work. This is the first time I’ve heard it, I like it.

Next up it’s Promises in the Dark by Pat Benetar, which I loudly sing along with.

What I see out our little kitchen window. That neighbor’s house use to be olive green. It looks much better now, trust me.

I decide to do some laundry of mine.

This is the time now. I won’t remember to put my laundry in the drier until hours later. I have the memory of an elephant. A senile elephant, but that’s beside the point.

My breakfast. Cheerios, diet Mountain Dew, and WIN. <3

I log onto twitter to let the world know I’m documenting my day. Among people I watch; Aston Kutcher, Johnathan Ross, and Sockington.

I do a myspace survey for the first time in ages. I decide to get goofy with some of my answers.

While watching ‘You Rock My World’ by Michael Jackson on youtube, I decide my computer screen needs a good washing. I get out the spray bottle of vinegar and two dishrags.

About this time, I decide my guitar hasn’t seen daylight for a while, so I drag it out to play:
-‘39 by Queen. I can play most of the chords, it’s the speed of chord transition in a couple parts that give me trouble. I don’t bother with the part of the melody that the guitar plays, Brian May used two guitars on this song.
-Athena, by the Who. I can’t even begin to attempt to strum even 1/4 as fast as Pete Townshend. If strumming speed were the animal kingdom, Pete Townshend would be a cheetah and I’d be a sloth. This proves to be annoying and leads me into fits of laughter at picturing the facepalm Pete would do if he ever heard me attempting this.
-Nothing Left to Lose, by the Alan Parsons Project. I end up quitting halfway through because my fingers are killing me. They will still sting hours later.
This is one of my favorite songs, though I’m still unable to sing and play it at the same time. It’s a tad low for my singing range.

I promise, you can find all three songs on youtube.

G chord, complete with my ducky pj pants in the shot. My brother made the bracelet you see me wearing.

An annoying ad on myspace. Enough with the Twilight crap already. Nobody can even use the word “twilight” anymore without making me think of that stupid sparkly vampire, and I haven’t even read the book or seen the movie. Good going you guys.

I decide to check my deviantart next. I just checked yesterday and I have 64 deviations already. Try watching like 230 people and you’ll understand. xD

It is now 11:27 but for the sake of saving space I decline to post a picture of the clock you’ve already seen like three times.

A little later, I decide it’s lunch time. I reheat some of the yummy spaghetti I made lastnight. I used fettucine noodles because we didn’t have any spaghetti ones. NOM. I ate in front of the tv though. :3

Rest in Peace, John!

Again, I tune to my favorite channel, Vh1Classic. Tunes for lunch include Dust in the Wind by Kansas, A cover of Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting by The Who (in which they throw in a bit of Take Me to the Pilot) and Let’s Go by the Cars. I don’t normally watch Vh1Classic this much, but hey, it’s not my fault we have over 100 channels and there’s still nothing on half the time.
And it’s like, why do we get like 5 different MTV channels, like ten sports channels, and two Christian networks I don’t give a shit about? xD

My dessert; gushers, and these yummy fruit strip things. I owe my family some more gushers, I think I had like half this box. T_T Mind you there are only six packs in there and this was over 3 or 4 days. I don’t just sit and eat a shitload of gushers at one time.

TIME HAS COME TODAY…
Excuse my thinly veiled time related music reference. Kudos if you actually know this song. Most of you reading this probably won’t.
LISTEN TO 60s and 70s MUSIC, I COMMAND YOU.

I get on the computer some more.
Preparing some stock photography for submission on one of my deviantart accounts, Trippy-CS.

More dishes to be done, so I head to the kitchen.
Tunes for this include Double Vision by Foreigner and Everybody Wants You by Billy Squier which I did not snap a picture of.
And in which I see an annoying Space Bag commercial. What I don’t get is, sure, it saves space, but every time you want to get something out, you have to open it up, take whatever you want out, and drag out the vacuum to reseal the whole damn bag. Here’s an idea, get rid of some shit.
The only way I see Space Bags being convenient is for seasonal stuff to be stored for months at a time I.E.,  not stuff you’re going to have to get out and reseal every other day. But when old ladies are like I LOVE HOW 20 SWEATERS FIT UNDER MY BED IN THIS TINY BAG, half of them are going to break their backs lugging out the vacuum when all they wanted to do was get out their green sweater. You know?

Please Mr. Postman! I decide to get the mail.

It’s the tiiiime of the seeeeason for loviiiiing

After this, I take advantage of the free tv to watch a little Woodstock on Vh1Classic once again (I should be paid to advertise).
I take video of some hippies, and also of my brother and I talking about Roger Daltrey, but I’m sure he preferred that stay away from the internet.

I picked the right time to tune in, because I got to see part of one of The Who’s performances. Damn, isn’t Pete Townshend downright adorable here? It’s hard to believe somebody with as cute a face as this smashes up guitars and gets into fights.

And lately I seem to like guys with huge noses. Don’t ask, I don’t know why either.

Some hippies. This picture doesn’t show it real well, but that girl is actually very pretty. They were talking about living in what others would call a communal situation… These guys like each other but don’t deal with the pretense of “going together” officially, as it were. Ah, the 60s. Hippies. Music. I should have been there. T_T

My dinner, which is a repeat of my lunch. Oh well. I have to work soon. If I don’t eat before hand, I am starving when I get home.

While outside getting ready for my mother to take me to work, I noticed the neighbor cat chilling out under my car. xD Pardon me blocking out my license plate, I’m paranoid. ^^;

A picture I took while waiting for mom to start the car.

The drive to work.

A really sweet ivy covered house. I want one.

Lookie! An ivy covered house for sale. I’m not sure how much it is, but houses in this area regularly sell for $150,000 or more. *sigh*

An amazing house in my city known as the Pyramid house. The only thing is, I guess the basement floods a lot. That’s what I’ve heard anyway.

More of the drive to work.

A camera appears from the heavens!

I get to work at 6:45, and 10:05 is the first time I have more than two seconds to pause. I get my mp3 player radio adapter to work, so for the last hour at work, I jam out to Michael Jackson, Duran Duran, The Guess Who, Genesis, Led Zeppelin, and more. Complete with loud singing along, dancing around, and air guitar. Hopefully nobody slipped in the kitchen while this was going on. If you’re wondering why the speakers don’t match, it’s because that other one didn’t work and somebody brought in another speaker. I barely use the stereo anymore anyway, but it’s nice to know that I’m not going to miss half of Eleanor Rigby the next time I listen to it at work. xD

Courtesy of this fucking pan, my favorite red shirt has a big black grease stain that might not come out.

The time it is when I finally get to leave. The clocks at work are not in synch with the clocks at my house. They should be, dammit.

I called my dad to pick me up, and he literally drove up right as I took this picture. I have to be driven everywhere because I can’t drive right now. If you don’t already know why I lost my license I don’t feel the need to rehash it.

The drive home. My dad takes the highway, rather than the residential streets like my mom does, and like I do when I can actually drive.

My back has been killing me all night, and I had Tylenol 3 left over from when I got a tooth pulled, so I took one… I ate a pear because Tylenol 3 can upset an empty stomach. At this point it’s just past 11:30 at night. You see how off the clocks at work are? It does not take like forty minutes to drive home.

After catching the tail end of Jay Leno’s last Tonight Show, I watch Craig Ferguson’s late night tv show. It’s enough that he’s hilarious, but that accent, oh my god. I could listen to him read names and numbers from a phone book.  Simon Cowell was on the show, and despite me not usually being a fan of Simon’s cloth ears [when it comes to music] and overly pompous attitude, he was entertaining enough.

It’s late. A very good Queen song. Hopefully somebody had the good sense to put it on youtube.

I just finished this. It makes for an interesting attempt at sleep.

What I’m listening to. Right by Your Side, by the Eurythmics, off the album Touch, the LP of which I own and which regularly gets my record player a workout.

Me huggin mah pillow. Def Leppard poster in the background provided by Vanessa, who I still don’t speak to and who I still miss. Stevie Nicks album cover. ;3 Espn magazine cover with Michael Phelps. I’m going to do a room meme eventually so more on what’s on my walls will come later.

And that was my day. :3

Minor earth, major sky.

-from the  song by A-ha

I fully realize just how long it’s been since I’ve bothered to write here.  It’s ot that nothing has happened because believe me, shit happens. Mostly to me, so don’t worry.

Seriously, though. I seem to be going through a bit of a rough spot, and I’ll tell you why.

Several weeks ago, I worked a normal day at work. I was going to start a little plan to save me some money. Sometimes I stay after work to have a few drinks. I was planning to instate a week on, week off plan. As in, don’t stay after to drink at all one week, then the next week, I’d allow myself one day to stay after and drink.

Well, let’s just say that plan never got started. I had way too much to drink, so why I decided I could drive home was beyond me. I didn’t hit anything, didn’t do anything stupid (aside from getting behind the wheel in the first place), but I still got pulled over.  I was twice the legal limit.  The entire experience, what with getting handcuffed and having to spend an hour in the police station getting fingerprinted and explaining things, will not be repeated. I am responsible. I’ve never driven home like that before, it’s not like me.

At first I was really beating myself up over it, thinking that it was the end of my life, but pretty soon I realised that was a stupid way to look at it. Sure. The fine is going to suck. Not being able to drive anywhere until November (with the exception of work when I get a work permit) will suck. Sure, the court date on the 18th is going to suck.

But I learned a lesson. A very valuable lesson, and if it takes all of that for something to sink in, so be it. Nobody got hurt.  I didn’t collide with anything.

This could have been much worse. Thankfully it wasn’t. I’d rather have fines to pay than the knowledge that somebody got injured because of a single lapse in my judgement.

This does not mean I will quit drinking at work. True, I’ve put it on hold for the time being, but this doesn’t mean I have to cut it out completely. I just can’t be stupid about it.  Plus, I needed to cut down on it anyway.  I don’t really see myself staying after much until I get my license back.  Besides, pretty soon here, the seasonal restaurant I work at is going to open, and my days there start at 8am.  So it’d probably be a good idea not to get hammered at night when I have to work bright and early the next morning.

I hope nobody thinks any less of me because of this. Everyone makes mistakes. Granted, not the same mistakes with the same severity, but nobody is perfect. I’ve learned from it, and for the most part I’ve moved on emotionally.

A week or so later, when I was emerging from the spell of beating myself up from that, something else happened. It hadn’t been ten days from the date of my lapse of judgement, so I could still drive. I got off work exceptionally early. It was pouring down rain, very hard. I was on my way home, when it got so bad I could barely see. I pulled into the second hand store to wait some of it out (and to browse around, so long as I was there). It let up a bit and I left.

But when I got closer to home, it got shitty again. It was raining so hard, my wipers were on full blast and I could still barely see. About a quarter of a mile from home, I notice a truck behind me is following me a little too closely for comfort. I remember thinking “You can tailgate me all you want, but I’m not speeding up. I can barely see.” And I was going at least 25mph, probably even a little under that. Visability was really horrible, I could barely see in front of the car at all. I was wishing my wipers had turbo mode.

I get to my driveway, which is on the right side. To avoid hitting the curb, I swing a little out towards the left while I turn (I have been doing this since I started driving in HS). The idiot who was tailgating me that whole time sped up to pass me, and drove towards the right side of the road. He claimed I swung waaay out and that he thought I was turning into the driveway across the street from ours. Long story short, he rammed the right side of my car towards the end. (The picture was taken a day or two later, hence it being sunny)

Luckily, he missed hitting my back door or the brake light.

Here’s another shot if you care to look:http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj281/OpenTheDoor_Blue/My%20photos/DSCF9522.jpg

I stopped the car right there, got out and screamed “What the FUCK were you thinking?”

He started screaming at me how I swung way out, he thought I was going to turn into the other driveway, I didn’t use my turn signal (which I always do; sometimes my blinker kicks itself off and has to be turned on several times per turn), yadda yadda yadda.

My dad came out and argued with the guy for a bit while my mom called a cop. At one point this idiot was wagging his finger right in my dad’s face. I was going inside so I didn’t catch what was being said, but the guy was babbling about his insurance, he wasn’t tailgating or speeding, he had a black box in his car that would show just how fast he was going…etc.

I gave the cop my story… Later, while dad was doing insurance stuff, I learned that we won.  On the accident report the insurance guys gave, it was all the other guy’s fault, and he WAS tailgating, and going too fast for the conditions.

We have to get a repair quote for the insurance guys, but it’s not something that needs to be repaired per say.  Not like if he’d busted up my tail light, then my car wouldn’t be able to be driven anywhere by anyone until we could get it repaired. Or the back door. We had a car with one smashed up back door you couldn’t open; that got very annoying on family car trips.

So yeah. That’s what’s been going on during my little hiatus from writing here.

Today, I took a walk to turn in some stuff at the library and I have a few pictures. Note that these weren’t necessarily taken with anything artistic in mind, I just wanted to show what I see on some of my walks.

I love this gigantic tree. I wish we had one like it closer to my house.

Do as I say not as I do, children. Standing in the middle of the street to take a picture should be frowned upon.

That is all she wrote for this entry. I won’t be doing much until the next one except working and contemplating things.

Until then.

TTYL.

Swift and sudden fall from grace/Sunny days seem far away…

-Michael Jackson, “Stranger in Moscow”

Well, I’ve only been up for an hour and this day has already seen a mood swing.

I get up this morning a bit groggy, but all around content.  Mom was just about ready to leave for work. I woke with the intent of drawing something in honor of Earth day…on a piece of paper bag I acquired yesterday while doing a bit of grocery shopping for my father.

I actually amazed myself because I had a somewhat creative idea, something that seems to have become scarce lately. Just started outlining it, I pop to myspace.com quick, and all of a sudden, the depression of yesterday is back. Funny how something puny, mundane, and stupid can bring a bout of depression on, isn’ t it?

Now, yesterday wasn’t exactly a bad day. It was fairly normal, except for the grocery shopping. I really can’t  think of a way it was bad, except for my mood.  I blame that time of the month which, sadly, will be arriving shortly.

It’s not like I was in a bad mood the entire time, I’ve just been depressed lately. I haven’t talked to my best friend since January, when I fucked up the friendship by being a complete retard. I haven’t heard from any of my other friends lately.  Besides. Not a whole lot of them live around here anymore, although a few still do.

I like where I work, and although I’d like to put all the blame for ruining a new friendship all on my co workers, I do suppose some of the blame is mine. It’s just, I used to have fun at work, but now I dread it again.  Sure. I am acquaintances with a couple co workers, but I don’t know if I could call it friends. I miss being talked while I’m forced to be in the kitchen. I miss goofy comments and conversation.  What did I do to lose a friend I barely even had?

I didn’t do anything wrong, goddammit. I didn’t do anything wrong. Excuse the piss out of me if I expected my {former} friends not to spread anything I told them around the entire fucking restaurant.  If I had wanted everyone to know, I’d have told everyone. Thanks for blowing everything out of proportion and losing me a new friend. It’s not like I needed one or anything.

And honestly, everyone made a bigger deal about it than I did. If I’d have known that the person in question wouldn’t even like, look at me again, I would have kept my mouth shut. I figure, it’s just a couple of my friends,  it’s not like I’m going around and telling everybody, and I didn’t expect those couple of friends to do so either. In all actuality, I’m almost over it completely. But it doesn’t matter, I guess. I can’t be friends with someone whom I’ve had disagreements with in the past, apparently.

I wish I didn’t need this job so badly or I’d quit. It’s just not fun anymore, and it won’t be unless… I don’t know.

I guess I’ve ruined another friendship. I seem to be good at that.  You want someone to hate, become friends with me and you’ll hate me soon enough.

I just want to know what I did wrong, because for the life of me I have no idea. I just want one of my goofy intelligent friends back. It wouldn’t hurt to be friend with Vanessa again either. I miss her like no other, although I think that situation is turning out like my current one. I attempt to contact, and it gets ignored or denied.

Honestly, what is wrong with me? I don’t have some communicable disease, underneath my problems I am a good person, goddammit.  Aside from criminals who commit some federal crimes, is there anyone who deserves to be condemned? I’d say I’d want a second chance but I’ve had many and fucked them all up. So, is that it? Am I just damned for all eternity or something? What official document states that I can’t ask for another chance?  Am I such a horrible person for that? There are lots of people who have lots of fuck ups at a certain point in their lives only to turn it around later.  Are my past fuck ups so horrible that I don’t deserve the same sort of chance as any other person would get? Am I such a horrible person as to not deserve the same treatment as anyone else would get?

Even if it’s not entirely true, it still makes me feel like shit.

Probably asking too much, I know, but goddammit, is it that terrible for me to want to have one or two friends right now? A couple friends that aren’t pixel text on a fucking computer screen with a 100×100 pixel icon next to their fucking name!

Is it just that this is possible, I just haven’t been making enough effort? I feel like such a pathetic, terrible waste of space right now.

You know, I’m not religious but sometimes I wish I could blindly and stupidly follow some religion so my faith could be a comfort at a time like this, even if that comfort is from a system constructed on lies and false promises.

Well, I have to go. My dad has to take his truck into the shop, and shortly I have to leave to meet him there. Plus, this place I’m in right now is not one I wish to wallow in all day, lest I feel even more pathetic.

Plus it’s earth day, and I want to finish that drawing before this day is over, so my day won’t have been a complete waste.

Actually, I may write that letter to Vanessa that I’ve been debating about writing for a while. You know. I messed it up. I’m sorry.  I was stupid, you didn’t deserve it, you deserved a better friend, please give me another chance to be that friend.  All that jazz.

Because I’m falling down/with people standing ’round/But before I hit the ground/Is there time/Could I find someone out there to help me?

“Howl at the wind rushing past my lonely head
Caught inside its own motion
How I wish it was somebody else instead
Howling at all this corrosion…”

-Falling Down, by Duran Duran.

I’m not going to lie to  you guys, I am not in a great mood right now, so the tone of this entry might be a little less than uplifting. Right at this moment I don’t really give a shit, though.

So, it’s been little over a month since my last entry. Vanessa still isn’t talking to me, not even when I make comments on the pictures she posts on deviantart. I’m trying to think of a message to send her apologizing for all the stupid shit I’ve done, but I’m afraid it won’t make a difference. And you know what, maybe it won’t, but I won’t know until I’ve tried. I’d do it now, but I need to be in a good mood when I write that, and right now I couldn’t be farther from a good mood.

In other news, my fucking gossiping co-workers have all but lost me another friend. You know why they call them crushes? Because they’re stupid, and more often than not, they’re temporary. Which means they will eventually go away.

I made the mistake of confiding in a couple of friends at work, thinking they’d be a good friend and not go blabbing about it to everyone else, and constantly giving the guy shit about it whenever he hangs out with them. So if I work with you and you didn’t hear it from me, thanks.

Thanks for losing me another fucking friend. He will barely even talk to me now, thank you very much.  Because of you, he thinks I’m the one who’s been going around telling everyone I know, and talking about it with every breath I take.  Because of you, if he talks to me, it’s to call me creepy and a stalker.  So thank you for making me feel fucking awkward every single day I work. Thank you for losing me a friend. It’s not like I need friends anyway.  Thanks for making sure I won’t have to worry about it.

Other than that, work has been uneventful. I’m probably going to quit staying after work for drinks, as it’s ceased being fun for me. I can sit alone with no one to talk to at home, why should I do it at work? Besides. I need to save as much money as possible.

If working here has made me aware of anything, it’s that my ability to tell my friends anything in confidence has been severely cracked and all but shattered.

Anyway, enough about that.

If it’s news to anyone, I’ve felt like shit for a while. One of my teeth has really been bothering me, probably since Christmas, which was around the time that the filling in that tooth came loose and fell out.

I don’t know if I don’t drink enough water, or if my allergies or acid reflux are acting up again, but I’ve felt like complete crap for a few weeks now. Usually I’ll get a sporadic chest pain every now and again, but it always goes away, and I won’t have to worry about it for a while. Now that happens on a daily basis instead of not even weekly.  I can always breathe, but my allergies and everything make me paranoid that I’m going to start sufficating any minute. My throat always hurts, in certain spots. The other day, I woke with a huge knot in my leg that took a few days to disappear, and just a couple days ago I awoke with such pain in my left wrist up to my elbow that I actually cried. It’s basically gone now, but all this crap, plus the sinus headaches and pressure are just driving me mad.

I’ve put this shit off for a long time, but tomorrow I’m finally going to make a dentist appointment, and possibly a doctor’s appointment. The medical bill probably won’t be an issue (if I got my previous bill excused, I’m fairly certain I’d be able to get this one excused), but I’ll have to figure out some way to pay my dentist bill. Even as I type this shit now, I wonder if there’s some way I could avoid it and further put it off, but I can’t. Something is always uncomfortable or hurts, and I’m always in a shitty mood. I never have any energy do to anything. And I know sometimes exercising can give you engery afterwards, but what happens if you can’t get the energy you need to GET the extra energy?

I don’t know what’s going on, and I really wish I didn’t have to go further in debt to figure it out.

Sometimes I wonder about my sanity, too. Although along with that, I wonder; if I was truly insane, would I be aware of it? Aren’t insane people unaware of the fact that they’re crazy?

That doubt’s probably a product of my paranoia. That reminds me of something else I need but can’t pay for. Counseling at the mental health center. I used to go, at my parents’ request, until I found out how much it cost. We might still have an unpaid bill from when I used to go there like two years ago. The paranoia really pisses me off sometimes. And I even wonder about that. I know some of the things I’m paranoid about, it’s completely idiotic to be paranoid about, but even that doesn’t stop me from being paranoid.

I’ve gotten over some of my social issues on my own, but there’s more I need to work on.

Still. I know I have some problems, but I can’t get them looked at. Sure. Putting it off may make the problems worse, but the bottom line is, I can’t afford it. And since I still live at home, I am uneligable for any sort of aid from them.

I just don’t know. Sometimes my head just feels like it’s going to explode. I don’ t know.

I mean. At least I am deciding to get doctors and dentist appointments. As I said before, I have literally put this off for ages but for the sake of my dwindling sanity I am going to have this shit dealt with.

But there comes another cost. Prescriptions, should the doctor or dentist give me any. I can tell them I need generics because I can’t afford name brands, but I don’t get paid for a week.

And having mother nature’s monthly gift right now isn’t helping! In fact, it’s probably helping to greatly fuck up my moods.

Now I’m going to hunt for something positive. Well. Spring is here. Although the weather still kind of feels like winter (despite having a few really nice days), the weather will be great pretty soon, and in a couple months I can start up work at the seasonal restaurant I work at. And that will mean more hours, which means more money.

And if you want to get really shallow, there’s a new episode of Heroes on tomorrow night. I know it’s a small thing, but it really is those small things that’s helping me stay even slightly sane right now. My favorite tv shows. A favorite song. Sometimes the small things make a big difference.

I am going to make an appointment or two tomorrow. I can figure out some of this shit, and get the means to feel better. I should feel really hopeful about that, but for some reason, I’m still depressed. Probably just the PMS related mood swings. As you can probably already tell, my mood isn’t even the same right now as it was when I began this entry.

I’m going to see if I can’t get some sleep right now. I may be back tomorrow, especially if I go to the dentist or doctor.

Bonne nuit tout le monde (Good night, everyone).