Dream a little dream of me…

-Mamas and Papas.

I’m not sure what that song has to do with my entry today, other than I’ve listened to it about five times in a row on youtube. It’s such a great mellow song, it reminds me of retro summers or something. It’s great.

Anyhoo.

Since I documented my day in pictures, it doesn’t feel like much has gone on. Summer is here, and June has been a strange month. For the first two weeks the weather was pleasant, although it did rain a little more than I would like.

Then, we got a huge storm, and it got freaking humid. Those humid days where you are sweating your ass off just sitting around. Great incentive to get up and do shit, right? So then yesterday we got a huge rainstorm, but for little longer than an hour, and now it’s nice out. The humidity has not returned to its full extent, but then again, it is only ten thirty in the morning.

A week or so ago, my mother, brother, and I went to Medford Mall. I didn’t spend much money. I got presents for my friend Jenny, she is about 4 months pregnant and is planning on having a shower some time in August. I am so excited for that. I don’t want summer to be over, but I can’t wait to go to Jenny’s baby shower.

Anyway.  Today was a pleasant enough morning to start out with. My parents left to go to the grocery store, and I played a good hour of the game boy advance game Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. The game had been lost for years till I found it in a duffel bag I haven’t used for years. It’s a fun game, what can I say.

My parents get home, mom seems to be in a decent mood. I am sitting on the couch eating my breakfast, a bowl of frosted mini wheats. She says “Is that your first breakfast?” as if to insinuate that I eat more than one. Which would be false, of course. I don’t eat at all between breakfast and lunch. God people. I don’t even always eat breakfast. Sometimes I don’t because I don’t feel the need to.

Then, my mom gets on the computer at home and gets all pissed because it’s fucking up. Last night, my brother was trying to make a music video and was trying to rip music from a cd. But it was one of those weird enhanced cd crap or something, so he had to install something before it would let him get music off of it. And even then, it wouldn’t import to windows movie maker. I don’t know the entire thing, I wasn’t there the whole time. But my mom starts bitching about she told “you guys” not to download anything like two years ago and it still happened, yadda yadda. Which, I haven’t been allowed on the home computers for about a month now, so I just asked that she didn’t get pissed at me for something I didn’t even do. Then, it turns into a discussion about how she purposely left a basket of clothes out for several days to see if ’someone’ would take the hint and fold them, and then about how I always bitch about having to do anything.

Here we freaking go.

First off, I’ve been getting a lot better at that. I don’t even care much at all about having to do the things I bitch about, bitching is just an automatic response, a terrible habit I’ve been trying to rid myself of. Secondly, my mother always like to assume I should “just know” when she wants me to do something. But here’s the thing. If it doesn’t bother me, I don’t notice. Plain and simple.

If you want me to do something, ask me to do it, don’t just assume that I can read your mind and automatically know what you want done. Good god. We’ve been through that before. I don’t want to make it sound like my mom has all the fault because she doesn’t, but it’s just…  ugh.  Then we got into a thing where she was saying she never bitches at David because, I can’t remember the exact wording, but something to the effect of he didn’t fuck up as much as me.

Here’s the thing. My brother has told me several times that the reason he doesn’t fuck up nearly as much as I do is because he saw me fuck it up first. As in, he’s learned from me, and I’m glad, but if he were the first child, I could very well be the one who got everything right because I’d had someone to fuck it up first. So I saw what not to do. So he’d be the one constantly getting bitched at. I don’t wish that upon him at all, but… it just makes me angry. Whenever anything is wrong, it seems I get blamed automatically, whether or not they know if I could actually have done it.

It could be a lot worse, though, and I realize that. It just torked me off a little. That it started out about being mad about the computer not working and ended up at a reason to be pissed at me. I know they don’t mean to but it seems like every reason to be pissed, whether it has anything to do with me or not, they always seem to in the end relate it back to me. And I know I might cause people some grief, but I don’t cause it all.

Anyway.

Not being able to drive and not being allowed to use the computers at home is good for me, I walk to the library a lot more often. And I’ve done a few drawings that might not have been done had I been allowed regular computer usage. I even sorted out my dresser and found an entire grocery bag full of clothes to get rid of. As well as some old toys and stuff I can get rid of.  So it’s not all bad, I suppose.

Anyway. On to lighter stuff. A few days ago, I found Beatles vinyl in the form of the “Help!” soundtrack… The album cover is a bit water damaged, and the record’s a tad warped, but holy shit. I also got a copy of Led Zeppelin I, in the same shape as the first record. I paid ten bucks, but the Beatles and Zep are two of a very exclusive collection of bands I would pay that much for. Queen and Def Leppard being included, and possibly Elton John even though he isn’t a band. xD Well. I’m off to check the like 100 emails I probably have since I last checked.

My day, Friday May 29th, 2009

Recently, somebody I watch on deviantart came up with a good idea. She documented a day in her life using pictures. I figured it sounded like a good idea. What with me being in something of a creativity block, it gave me something slightly creative to be working on.

Here is a day in my life, in just under 80 pictures. If you’re seeing an incomplete entry,  it’s because I safety saved. This is a big entry. I don’t want to do the entire thing only to find that for some reason, the save didn’t take.

Anyway. On with the show.

——

Friday May 29th, 2009.

Me, what felt like “last night” but was actually at 12:30 in the morning. Not a pretty sight! I got that tee shirt pillow at Kohl’s a couple years ago. The giant teddy bear behind me, I’ve had since it was taller than me.

This is what I see while lying in bed at night before I am asleep. Hours later, when I awoke in the middle of the night, there would be a spider crawling on my walls which I had to stand on my bed to squish.  I hate spiders. I don’t mind them outside, but the day I see them in my room is the day they die.

I just realized you can see Masi Oka’s picture in my room like four times, just in those two pictures. xD

Me waking up bright and early, complete with bed head and red stoner eyes. Masi Oka’s picture makes another appearance in the form of that photo edit on the wall. I edited a picture I had on the computer and got a print of it at Wal-Mart.  I hate Wal-Mart.  I shop there anyway. Wal-Mart and I have something of a love hate relationship. Hate their corporate crap, like the cheap shit. What can I say? I’m a human being, and human beings are shallow. ^^;

Either my mom or brother in my parents’ room getting ready for school. I didn’t see who. If you’re wondering why my brother would need to be in there to prepare for school, we keep the hairdrier in there.

Why the fuck am I up this early?

My dad watches a couple episodes of The West Wing every morning. It’s usually what wakes me up.

The view in the study room, where the computers are. This is where I spend a good portion of my time.  Not hard considering the view.

What I am about to have. Mountain Dew at 7:30 in the morning=WIN. My parents drink coffee, I drink caffeinated soda. I should switch to tea. It’s healthier.

Mon frère getting ready for school.

I log on to to the computer for the first time, checking news stories on MyYahoo.
Can you believe the stupid things people call 911 for? xP And GM going bankrupt… It seems this economy is screwing everybody up the bum.

I am a fan of strange but true news. I get most of my news through MyYahoo. I like entertainment news, but I am not obsessed with it. I just like to have something of an idea regarding what’s going on.

I log onto facebook, where I play one of my favorite games, Pet Society. My pet Mandy gained a level today.  Cosmos is the online pet of one of my online friends, Kat, a sister in Queen crime. She’s particularly fond of Brian May/Queen, and named her pet after Queen + Paul Rogders’ album ‘The Cosmos Rocks’. I am ashamed to admit this as a Queen fan, but I do not have the album yet. I may ask for it for my birthday in October.

Then I log onto Gaia Online, where they have a prom event going on. Yes I’m a nerd. No I don’t care if you care. As you can see, I was enjoying a song called Blasphemous Rumours by Depeche Mode on youtube at the time.

As you can see, I’ve spent a couple hours online.

I decide that this is the perfect time to do some dishes.

I decide I need some tuneage, so I turn the kitchen tv to Vh1Classic, where I find a bizarre video to a song, “It’s a Mistake” by Men at Work. This is the first time I’ve heard it, I like it.

Next up it’s Promises in the Dark by Pat Benetar, which I loudly sing along with.

What I see out our little kitchen window. That neighbor’s house use to be olive green. It looks much better now, trust me.

I decide to do some laundry of mine.

This is the time now. I won’t remember to put my laundry in the drier until hours later. I have the memory of an elephant. A senile elephant, but that’s beside the point.

My breakfast. Cheerios, diet Mountain Dew, and WIN. <3

I log onto twitter to let the world know I’m documenting my day. Among people I watch; Aston Kutcher, Johnathan Ross, and Sockington.

I do a myspace survey for the first time in ages. I decide to get goofy with some of my answers.

While watching ‘You Rock My World’ by Michael Jackson on youtube, I decide my computer screen needs a good washing. I get out the spray bottle of vinegar and two dishrags.

About this time, I decide my guitar hasn’t seen daylight for a while, so I drag it out to play:
-‘39 by Queen. I can play most of the chords, it’s the speed of chord transition in a couple parts that give me trouble. I don’t bother with the part of the melody that the guitar plays, Brian May used two guitars on this song.
-Athena, by the Who. I can’t even begin to attempt to strum even 1/4 as fast as Pete Townshend. If strumming speed were the animal kingdom, Pete Townshend would be a cheetah and I’d be a sloth. This proves to be annoying and leads me into fits of laughter at picturing the facepalm Pete would do if he ever heard me attempting this.
-Nothing Left to Lose, by the Alan Parsons Project. I end up quitting halfway through because my fingers are killing me. They will still sting hours later.
This is one of my favorite songs, though I’m still unable to sing and play it at the same time. It’s a tad low for my singing range.

I promise, you can find all three songs on youtube.

G chord, complete with my ducky pj pants in the shot. My brother made the bracelet you see me wearing.

An annoying ad on myspace. Enough with the Twilight crap already. Nobody can even use the word “twilight” anymore without making me think of that stupid sparkly vampire, and I haven’t even read the book or seen the movie. Good going you guys.

I decide to check my deviantart next. I just checked yesterday and I have 64 deviations already. Try watching like 230 people and you’ll understand. xD

It is now 11:27 but for the sake of saving space I decline to post a picture of the clock you’ve already seen like three times.

A little later, I decide it’s lunch time. I reheat some of the yummy spaghetti I made lastnight. I used fettucine noodles because we didn’t have any spaghetti ones. NOM. I ate in front of the tv though. :3

Rest in Peace, John!

Again, I tune to my favorite channel, Vh1Classic. Tunes for lunch include Dust in the Wind by Kansas, A cover of Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting by The Who (in which they throw in a bit of Take Me to the Pilot) and Let’s Go by the Cars. I don’t normally watch Vh1Classic this much, but hey, it’s not my fault we have over 100 channels and there’s still nothing on half the time.
And it’s like, why do we get like 5 different MTV channels, like ten sports channels, and two Christian networks I don’t give a shit about? xD

My dessert; gushers, and these yummy fruit strip things. I owe my family some more gushers, I think I had like half this box. T_T Mind you there are only six packs in there and this was over 3 or 4 days. I don’t just sit and eat a shitload of gushers at one time.

TIME HAS COME TODAY…
Excuse my thinly veiled time related music reference. Kudos if you actually know this song. Most of you reading this probably won’t.
LISTEN TO 60s and 70s MUSIC, I COMMAND YOU.

I get on the computer some more.
Preparing some stock photography for submission on one of my deviantart accounts, Trippy-CS.

More dishes to be done, so I head to the kitchen.
Tunes for this include Double Vision by Foreigner and Everybody Wants You by Billy Squier which I did not snap a picture of.
And in which I see an annoying Space Bag commercial. What I don’t get is, sure, it saves space, but every time you want to get something out, you have to open it up, take whatever you want out, and drag out the vacuum to reseal the whole damn bag. Here’s an idea, get rid of some shit.
The only way I see Space Bags being convenient is for seasonal stuff to be stored for months at a time I.E.,  not stuff you’re going to have to get out and reseal every other day. But when old ladies are like I LOVE HOW 20 SWEATERS FIT UNDER MY BED IN THIS TINY BAG, half of them are going to break their backs lugging out the vacuum when all they wanted to do was get out their green sweater. You know?

Please Mr. Postman! I decide to get the mail.

It’s the tiiiime of the seeeeason for loviiiiing

After this, I take advantage of the free tv to watch a little Woodstock on Vh1Classic once again (I should be paid to advertise).
I take video of some hippies, and also of my brother and I talking about Roger Daltrey, but I’m sure he preferred that stay away from the internet.

I picked the right time to tune in, because I got to see part of one of The Who’s performances. Damn, isn’t Pete Townshend downright adorable here? It’s hard to believe somebody with as cute a face as this smashes up guitars and gets into fights.

And lately I seem to like guys with huge noses. Don’t ask, I don’t know why either.

Some hippies. This picture doesn’t show it real well, but that girl is actually very pretty. They were talking about living in what others would call a communal situation… These guys like each other but don’t deal with the pretense of “going together” officially, as it were. Ah, the 60s. Hippies. Music. I should have been there. T_T

My dinner, which is a repeat of my lunch. Oh well. I have to work soon. If I don’t eat before hand, I am starving when I get home.

While outside getting ready for my mother to take me to work, I noticed the neighbor cat chilling out under my car. xD Pardon me blocking out my license plate, I’m paranoid. ^^;

A picture I took while waiting for mom to start the car.

The drive to work.

A really sweet ivy covered house. I want one.

Lookie! An ivy covered house for sale. I’m not sure how much it is, but houses in this area regularly sell for $150,000 or more. *sigh*

An amazing house in my city known as the Pyramid house. The only thing is, I guess the basement floods a lot. That’s what I’ve heard anyway.

More of the drive to work.

A camera appears from the heavens!

I get to work at 6:45, and 10:05 is the first time I have more than two seconds to pause. I get my mp3 player radio adapter to work, so for the last hour at work, I jam out to Michael Jackson, Duran Duran, The Guess Who, Genesis, Led Zeppelin, and more. Complete with loud singing along, dancing around, and air guitar. Hopefully nobody slipped in the kitchen while this was going on. If you’re wondering why the speakers don’t match, it’s because that other one didn’t work and somebody brought in another speaker. I barely use the stereo anymore anyway, but it’s nice to know that I’m not going to miss half of Eleanor Rigby the next time I listen to it at work. xD

Courtesy of this fucking pan, my favorite red shirt has a big black grease stain that might not come out.

The time it is when I finally get to leave. The clocks at work are not in synch with the clocks at my house. They should be, dammit.

I called my dad to pick me up, and he literally drove up right as I took this picture. I have to be driven everywhere because I can’t drive right now. If you don’t already know why I lost my license I don’t feel the need to rehash it.

The drive home. My dad takes the highway, rather than the residential streets like my mom does, and like I do when I can actually drive.

My back has been killing me all night, and I had Tylenol 3 left over from when I got a tooth pulled, so I took one… I ate a pear because Tylenol 3 can upset an empty stomach. At this point it’s just past 11:30 at night. You see how off the clocks at work are? It does not take like forty minutes to drive home.

After catching the tail end of Jay Leno’s last Tonight Show, I watch Craig Ferguson’s late night tv show. It’s enough that he’s hilarious, but that accent, oh my god. I could listen to him read names and numbers from a phone book.  Simon Cowell was on the show, and despite me not usually being a fan of Simon’s cloth ears [when it comes to music] and overly pompous attitude, he was entertaining enough.

It’s late. A very good Queen song. Hopefully somebody had the good sense to put it on youtube.

I just finished this. It makes for an interesting attempt at sleep.

What I’m listening to. Right by Your Side, by the Eurythmics, off the album Touch, the LP of which I own and which regularly gets my record player a workout.

Me huggin mah pillow. Def Leppard poster in the background provided by Vanessa, who I still don’t speak to and who I still miss. Stevie Nicks album cover. ;3 Espn magazine cover with Michael Phelps. I’m going to do a room meme eventually so more on what’s on my walls will come later.

And that was my day. :3

Minor earth, major sky.

-from the  song by A-ha

I fully realize just how long it’s been since I’ve bothered to write here.  It’s ot that nothing has happened because believe me, shit happens. Mostly to me, so don’t worry.

Seriously, though. I seem to be going through a bit of a rough spot, and I’ll tell you why.

Several weeks ago, I worked a normal day at work. I was going to start a little plan to save me some money. Sometimes I stay after work to have a few drinks. I was planning to instate a week on, week off plan. As in, don’t stay after to drink at all one week, then the next week, I’d allow myself one day to stay after and drink.

Well, let’s just say that plan never got started. I had way too much to drink, so why I decided I could drive home was beyond me. I didn’t hit anything, didn’t do anything stupid (aside from getting behind the wheel in the first place), but I still got pulled over.  I was twice the legal limit.  The entire experience, what with getting handcuffed and having to spend an hour in the police station getting fingerprinted and explaining things, will not be repeated. I am responsible. I’ve never driven home like that before, it’s not like me.

At first I was really beating myself up over it, thinking that it was the end of my life, but pretty soon I realised that was a stupid way to look at it. Sure. The fine is going to suck. Not being able to drive anywhere until November (with the exception of work when I get a work permit) will suck. Sure, the court date on the 18th is going to suck.

But I learned a lesson. A very valuable lesson, and if it takes all of that for something to sink in, so be it. Nobody got hurt.  I didn’t collide with anything.

This could have been much worse. Thankfully it wasn’t. I’d rather have fines to pay than the knowledge that somebody got injured because of a single lapse in my judgement.

This does not mean I will quit drinking at work. True, I’ve put it on hold for the time being, but this doesn’t mean I have to cut it out completely. I just can’t be stupid about it.  Plus, I needed to cut down on it anyway.  I don’t really see myself staying after much until I get my license back.  Besides, pretty soon here, the seasonal restaurant I work at is going to open, and my days there start at 8am.  So it’d probably be a good idea not to get hammered at night when I have to work bright and early the next morning.

I hope nobody thinks any less of me because of this. Everyone makes mistakes. Granted, not the same mistakes with the same severity, but nobody is perfect. I’ve learned from it, and for the most part I’ve moved on emotionally.

A week or so later, when I was emerging from the spell of beating myself up from that, something else happened. It hadn’t been ten days from the date of my lapse of judgement, so I could still drive. I got off work exceptionally early. It was pouring down rain, very hard. I was on my way home, when it got so bad I could barely see. I pulled into the second hand store to wait some of it out (and to browse around, so long as I was there). It let up a bit and I left.

But when I got closer to home, it got shitty again. It was raining so hard, my wipers were on full blast and I could still barely see. About a quarter of a mile from home, I notice a truck behind me is following me a little too closely for comfort. I remember thinking “You can tailgate me all you want, but I’m not speeding up. I can barely see.” And I was going at least 25mph, probably even a little under that. Visability was really horrible, I could barely see in front of the car at all. I was wishing my wipers had turbo mode.

I get to my driveway, which is on the right side. To avoid hitting the curb, I swing a little out towards the left while I turn (I have been doing this since I started driving in HS). The idiot who was tailgating me that whole time sped up to pass me, and drove towards the right side of the road. He claimed I swung waaay out and that he thought I was turning into the driveway across the street from ours. Long story short, he rammed the right side of my car towards the end. (The picture was taken a day or two later, hence it being sunny)

Luckily, he missed hitting my back door or the brake light.

Here’s another shot if you care to look:http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj281/OpenTheDoor_Blue/My%20photos/DSCF9522.jpg

I stopped the car right there, got out and screamed “What the FUCK were you thinking?”

He started screaming at me how I swung way out, he thought I was going to turn into the other driveway, I didn’t use my turn signal (which I always do; sometimes my blinker kicks itself off and has to be turned on several times per turn), yadda yadda yadda.

My dad came out and argued with the guy for a bit while my mom called a cop. At one point this idiot was wagging his finger right in my dad’s face. I was going inside so I didn’t catch what was being said, but the guy was babbling about his insurance, he wasn’t tailgating or speeding, he had a black box in his car that would show just how fast he was going…etc.

I gave the cop my story… Later, while dad was doing insurance stuff, I learned that we won.  On the accident report the insurance guys gave, it was all the other guy’s fault, and he WAS tailgating, and going too fast for the conditions.

We have to get a repair quote for the insurance guys, but it’s not something that needs to be repaired per say.  Not like if he’d busted up my tail light, then my car wouldn’t be able to be driven anywhere by anyone until we could get it repaired. Or the back door. We had a car with one smashed up back door you couldn’t open; that got very annoying on family car trips.

So yeah. That’s what’s been going on during my little hiatus from writing here.

Today, I took a walk to turn in some stuff at the library and I have a few pictures. Note that these weren’t necessarily taken with anything artistic in mind, I just wanted to show what I see on some of my walks.

I love this gigantic tree. I wish we had one like it closer to my house.

Do as I say not as I do, children. Standing in the middle of the street to take a picture should be frowned upon.

That is all she wrote for this entry. I won’t be doing much until the next one except working and contemplating things.

Until then.

TTYL.

Swift and sudden fall from grace/Sunny days seem far away…

-Michael Jackson, “Stranger in Moscow”

Well, I’ve only been up for an hour and this day has already seen a mood swing.

I get up this morning a bit groggy, but all around content.  Mom was just about ready to leave for work. I woke with the intent of drawing something in honor of Earth day…on a piece of paper bag I acquired yesterday while doing a bit of grocery shopping for my father.

I actually amazed myself because I had a somewhat creative idea, something that seems to have become scarce lately. Just started outlining it, I pop to myspace.com quick, and all of a sudden, the depression of yesterday is back. Funny how something puny, mundane, and stupid can bring a bout of depression on, isn’ t it?

Now, yesterday wasn’t exactly a bad day. It was fairly normal, except for the grocery shopping. I really can’t  think of a way it was bad, except for my mood.  I blame that time of the month which, sadly, will be arriving shortly.

It’s not like I was in a bad mood the entire time, I’ve just been depressed lately. I haven’t talked to my best friend since January, when I fucked up the friendship by being a complete retard. I haven’t heard from any of my other friends lately.  Besides. Not a whole lot of them live around here anymore, although a few still do.

I like where I work, and although I’d like to put all the blame for ruining a new friendship all on my co workers, I do suppose some of the blame is mine. It’s just, I used to have fun at work, but now I dread it again.  Sure. I am acquaintances with a couple co workers, but I don’t know if I could call it friends. I miss being talked while I’m forced to be in the kitchen. I miss goofy comments and conversation.  What did I do to lose a friend I barely even had?

I didn’t do anything wrong, goddammit. I didn’t do anything wrong. Excuse the piss out of me if I expected my {former} friends not to spread anything I told them around the entire fucking restaurant.  If I had wanted everyone to know, I’d have told everyone. Thanks for blowing everything out of proportion and losing me a new friend. It’s not like I needed one or anything.

And honestly, everyone made a bigger deal about it than I did. If I’d have known that the person in question wouldn’t even like, look at me again, I would have kept my mouth shut. I figure, it’s just a couple of my friends,  it’s not like I’m going around and telling everybody, and I didn’t expect those couple of friends to do so either. In all actuality, I’m almost over it completely. But it doesn’t matter, I guess. I can’t be friends with someone whom I’ve had disagreements with in the past, apparently.

I wish I didn’t need this job so badly or I’d quit. It’s just not fun anymore, and it won’t be unless… I don’t know.

I guess I’ve ruined another friendship. I seem to be good at that.  You want someone to hate, become friends with me and you’ll hate me soon enough.

I just want to know what I did wrong, because for the life of me I have no idea. I just want one of my goofy intelligent friends back. It wouldn’t hurt to be friend with Vanessa again either. I miss her like no other, although I think that situation is turning out like my current one. I attempt to contact, and it gets ignored or denied.

Honestly, what is wrong with me? I don’t have some communicable disease, underneath my problems I am a good person, goddammit.  Aside from criminals who commit some federal crimes, is there anyone who deserves to be condemned? I’d say I’d want a second chance but I’ve had many and fucked them all up. So, is that it? Am I just damned for all eternity or something? What official document states that I can’t ask for another chance?  Am I such a horrible person for that? There are lots of people who have lots of fuck ups at a certain point in their lives only to turn it around later.  Are my past fuck ups so horrible that I don’t deserve the same sort of chance as any other person would get? Am I such a horrible person as to not deserve the same treatment as anyone else would get?

Even if it’s not entirely true, it still makes me feel like shit.

Probably asking too much, I know, but goddammit, is it that terrible for me to want to have one or two friends right now? A couple friends that aren’t pixel text on a fucking computer screen with a 100×100 pixel icon next to their fucking name!

Is it just that this is possible, I just haven’t been making enough effort? I feel like such a pathetic, terrible waste of space right now.

You know, I’m not religious but sometimes I wish I could blindly and stupidly follow some religion so my faith could be a comfort at a time like this, even if that comfort is from a system constructed on lies and false promises.

Well, I have to go. My dad has to take his truck into the shop, and shortly I have to leave to meet him there. Plus, this place I’m in right now is not one I wish to wallow in all day, lest I feel even more pathetic.

Plus it’s earth day, and I want to finish that drawing before this day is over, so my day won’t have been a complete waste.

Actually, I may write that letter to Vanessa that I’ve been debating about writing for a while. You know. I messed it up. I’m sorry.  I was stupid, you didn’t deserve it, you deserved a better friend, please give me another chance to be that friend.  All that jazz.

Because I’m falling down/with people standing ’round/But before I hit the ground/Is there time/Could I find someone out there to help me?

“Howl at the wind rushing past my lonely head
Caught inside its own motion
How I wish it was somebody else instead
Howling at all this corrosion…”

-Falling Down, by Duran Duran.

I’m not going to lie to  you guys, I am not in a great mood right now, so the tone of this entry might be a little less than uplifting. Right at this moment I don’t really give a shit, though.

So, it’s been little over a month since my last entry. Vanessa still isn’t talking to me, not even when I make comments on the pictures she posts on deviantart. I’m trying to think of a message to send her apologizing for all the stupid shit I’ve done, but I’m afraid it won’t make a difference. And you know what, maybe it won’t, but I won’t know until I’ve tried. I’d do it now, but I need to be in a good mood when I write that, and right now I couldn’t be farther from a good mood.

In other news, my fucking gossiping co-workers have all but lost me another friend. You know why they call them crushes? Because they’re stupid, and more often than not, they’re temporary. Which means they will eventually go away.

I made the mistake of confiding in a couple of friends at work, thinking they’d be a good friend and not go blabbing about it to everyone else, and constantly giving the guy shit about it whenever he hangs out with them. So if I work with you and you didn’t hear it from me, thanks.

Thanks for losing me another fucking friend. He will barely even talk to me now, thank you very much.  Because of you, he thinks I’m the one who’s been going around telling everyone I know, and talking about it with every breath I take.  Because of you, if he talks to me, it’s to call me creepy and a stalker.  So thank you for making me feel fucking awkward every single day I work. Thank you for losing me a friend. It’s not like I need friends anyway.  Thanks for making sure I won’t have to worry about it.

Other than that, work has been uneventful. I’m probably going to quit staying after work for drinks, as it’s ceased being fun for me. I can sit alone with no one to talk to at home, why should I do it at work? Besides. I need to save as much money as possible.

If working here has made me aware of anything, it’s that my ability to tell my friends anything in confidence has been severely cracked and all but shattered.

Anyway, enough about that.

If it’s news to anyone, I’ve felt like shit for a while. One of my teeth has really been bothering me, probably since Christmas, which was around the time that the filling in that tooth came loose and fell out.

I don’t know if I don’t drink enough water, or if my allergies or acid reflux are acting up again, but I’ve felt like complete crap for a few weeks now. Usually I’ll get a sporadic chest pain every now and again, but it always goes away, and I won’t have to worry about it for a while. Now that happens on a daily basis instead of not even weekly.  I can always breathe, but my allergies and everything make me paranoid that I’m going to start sufficating any minute. My throat always hurts, in certain spots. The other day, I woke with a huge knot in my leg that took a few days to disappear, and just a couple days ago I awoke with such pain in my left wrist up to my elbow that I actually cried. It’s basically gone now, but all this crap, plus the sinus headaches and pressure are just driving me mad.

I’ve put this shit off for a long time, but tomorrow I’m finally going to make a dentist appointment, and possibly a doctor’s appointment. The medical bill probably won’t be an issue (if I got my previous bill excused, I’m fairly certain I’d be able to get this one excused), but I’ll have to figure out some way to pay my dentist bill. Even as I type this shit now, I wonder if there’s some way I could avoid it and further put it off, but I can’t. Something is always uncomfortable or hurts, and I’m always in a shitty mood. I never have any energy do to anything. And I know sometimes exercising can give you engery afterwards, but what happens if you can’t get the energy you need to GET the extra energy?

I don’t know what’s going on, and I really wish I didn’t have to go further in debt to figure it out.

Sometimes I wonder about my sanity, too. Although along with that, I wonder; if I was truly insane, would I be aware of it? Aren’t insane people unaware of the fact that they’re crazy?

That doubt’s probably a product of my paranoia. That reminds me of something else I need but can’t pay for. Counseling at the mental health center. I used to go, at my parents’ request, until I found out how much it cost. We might still have an unpaid bill from when I used to go there like two years ago. The paranoia really pisses me off sometimes. And I even wonder about that. I know some of the things I’m paranoid about, it’s completely idiotic to be paranoid about, but even that doesn’t stop me from being paranoid.

I’ve gotten over some of my social issues on my own, but there’s more I need to work on.

Still. I know I have some problems, but I can’t get them looked at. Sure. Putting it off may make the problems worse, but the bottom line is, I can’t afford it. And since I still live at home, I am uneligable for any sort of aid from them.

I just don’t know. Sometimes my head just feels like it’s going to explode. I don’ t know.

I mean. At least I am deciding to get doctors and dentist appointments. As I said before, I have literally put this off for ages but for the sake of my dwindling sanity I am going to have this shit dealt with.

But there comes another cost. Prescriptions, should the doctor or dentist give me any. I can tell them I need generics because I can’t afford name brands, but I don’t get paid for a week.

And having mother nature’s monthly gift right now isn’t helping! In fact, it’s probably helping to greatly fuck up my moods.

Now I’m going to hunt for something positive. Well. Spring is here. Although the weather still kind of feels like winter (despite having a few really nice days), the weather will be great pretty soon, and in a couple months I can start up work at the seasonal restaurant I work at. And that will mean more hours, which means more money.

And if you want to get really shallow, there’s a new episode of Heroes on tomorrow night. I know it’s a small thing, but it really is those small things that’s helping me stay even slightly sane right now. My favorite tv shows. A favorite song. Sometimes the small things make a big difference.

I am going to make an appointment or two tomorrow. I can figure out some of this shit, and get the means to feel better. I should feel really hopeful about that, but for some reason, I’m still depressed. Probably just the PMS related mood swings. As you can probably already tell, my mood isn’t even the same right now as it was when I began this entry.

I’m going to see if I can’t get some sleep right now. I may be back tomorrow, especially if I go to the dentist or doctor.

Bonne nuit tout le monde (Good night, everyone).

So far gone, I’m almost there

-Demolition Man, by Def Leppard.

Well, lords and ladies, it certainly  has been a while. In all actuality, after my previous fairly earth shattering entry, I was a bit apprehensive about writing again.

On that note, I know that Vanessa deleted this from her bookmarks so I’m basically saying it for my own  health, but I’m sorry. I’m not saying I was the only one who said inappropriate things, because we both did, but it didn’t need to get to that level. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my best friend, but if it’s her choice not to talk to me ever again and she’s happier without me in her life, then I’d rather that’s what she kept doing. I don’t think  not talking at all bothers her as much as it bothers me, but what do I know, I haven’t talked to her since the beginning of January.

Work has been fairly normal. I only get three days a week, but I don’t have to work with the twit. Although, I kind of feel bad because I keep  hoping he’ll do something really bad so he’ll get fired so I can get more hours. What can I say. I never claimed to be nice,  non vindictive, or a good person.

As if it’s news, I need another job, but this time it’s not because I’m not looking, it’s because the shitty economy has severely limited the number of jobs available and the types of jobs people are looking for. Honestly, the last time I saw the classified ads, the employment section was barely a column long. And usually it gets at least a page to itself.

In entertainment news, I have two fairly new tv show obsessions. Heroes, and NCIS. Honestly. NCIS is so amazing my head almost explodes every time I watch it. I have a huge crush on Mark Harmon. He’s hot. It doesn’t matter how old he is. I also have a big crush on Sean Murray (he plays McGee). FREAKING HOT. Oh my god.

In other news, I haven’t been exercising as much as I want to, but I have been exercising more than I used to. Small victories are better than none at all, I suppose.

Back to work matters. Work on Thursday night was strange. For the first two hours, it was extremely busy.  I was starting to get worried I wouldn’t be able to keep up. After that, though, business twittered off. I decided to stay after work to have a couple drinks with Sarah (I think that’s her name; I’m not sure how it’s spelled though), Mitch, and this guy I didn’t know.

We actually managed to have an intelligent discussion about things like the environment. In rural, small town Iowa, it can be difficult to have an intelligent discussion about things like that, so it was quite refreshing.

On Friday, during the day, my brother had a couple friends over to watch a Cher concert dvd which actually surprised me. I didn’t think I liked many songs by Cher, but I found I kept going “Oh, I love that song”. I played MapleStory for the first time in a while, because once again, this computer decided to not work. The keyboard wasn’t working. I had to play musical chairs with which ports the keyboard, mouse, and wireless adapter (this computer gets internet wirelessly) were in, and magically, I found a combination which got everything working. My first attempt got me the keyboard working, but no internet. It was all very frustrating. (Unrelated note: I’m listening to Al Stewart right now, and goddam his voice is sexy).

ANYWAY.

After my brother’s friends left, I popped in my Def Leppard Rock of Ages greatest hits dvd, and because of that, I was nearly late to work. The roads really sucked. I missed the turnoff for work because the roads were so snowed and iced over I couldn’t see the turning lane until it was too late. So I had to keep going straight, trying to find a place to turn off. When I finally did, I practically slid off the road.

So I wasn’t in a great mood when I got to work.

When I got there, I’m not lying, there were three or four overflowingly full bus tubs. It was one of those days that I barely had time to unload one bus tub when an equally full new one was dropped off. At one time, I had both my bosses helping me, and we were still behind. Michael (he cooks on Fridays and Saturdays; normally he’s just a dishwasher though) helped me out a bit also, and for all the help I was grateful. If I hadn’t had the help, I might still be there. (lol).

Although, there were a few points in the night that were funny. I had a few laughs with one of my bosses, and Mitch decided to throw a snowball at me, which I politely picked up part of off the floor and threw back at him. I’d put an ice cube down the back of his shirt or something, but I kind of like having all of my limbs unbroken.

Anyhoo. Another funny bit was, he asked me how many times I’d listened to some New Kids on the Block song on my mp3 player (I don’t own any). He also once asked how many Ricky Martin albums I had (Don’t own any of these either), because he likes to poke fun at me musically (and otherwise, for that matter). We might agree on a few things musically, but he generally likes to bitch about what I listen to a lot. I don’t think it’s because he gives a shit, I think he just likes to mess with me. I would rather have friends that can give me shit sometimes, actually.  It’s more fun.

Anyhoo. Today has been pretty fun. I did a bit of shopping with my brother, as I got paid on Friday. (I gave my dad 100 bucks, for last month and this month’s student loan payment). I already had half a tank of gas, but I put like ten bucks worth in anyway. Anyhoo, my brother and I only ended up going to Target and Fashion Bug, but it was a successful day. I bought a tee shirt at Target (a peace sign made of branches, leaves, and the like. I was going to get another copy of my Led Zeppelin tee shirt (because the exact same shirt has been there for two years now), but of course, they didn’t have the same size that my shirt is. They had another Led Zeppelin tee shirt, but I didn’t like it as much.

Anyway, then we went to Fashion Bug. I got a short sleeved hoodie (something I’d been looking for for ages), a brownish blouse (shirt, I don’t know what you’d call it), a pair of sunglasses which I’d needed badly (as I’m always squinting really hard when I have to drive in the day light), and two bras (which I’d also needed really bad). Tomorrow, I’m going to put most of what I have left in the bank to begin building up for moving out.

That’s pretty much all I have to say for now. Well. I’ve said this before, but I’m planning a big blog entry or series of blog entries about music. Things I like and hate about it, and some related media matters. I don’t know exactly when any of you will get to read it, but I may begin the formal draft shortly.

Okay. If any of you have anything to say, feel free to leave me a comment. Toodles. ;D

I don’t wanna live here no more, I don’t wanna stay, Ain’t gonna spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away

-The Alan Parsons Project

Well kids, it’s just shy of half way through January and, while I’ve really tried to work on a couple of the things I mentioned on the first, this is proving to be more difficult than I originally foresaw.

As you may or may not know, on the second of January, I went to visit Vanessa, in Ames. The first night was great. We did a bit of shopping at Sally’s Beauty Supply, the liquor store, and Hy-Vee. We had a few drinks and spent the evening watching Def Leppard dvds, and then looking at Def Leppard pictures on my flash drive. The rest of it kind of all runs together, but I believe the second night, we were watching Michael Jackson videos. We’d both been drinking, I forget how much, and we ended up getting into this big argument about it.

Now, she thinks he did all the child related shit he was accused of, and I don’t. She also has it in her head that he did something to his skin. Some powder on the black market that you put in your bathtub to bleach your skin. Now, I could be wrong, but it sounds like a whole lot of bs to me. Coupled with the fact that, I don’t think Michael Jackson was the real issue, but more on that later. I just got a little annoyed that, because she’s taken medical transcription classes, she thinks she’s got supreme knowledge of the skin disease that Michael Jackson had. Now. I might not have a medical background but I have done a bit of research on it on my own. She did have a point that you don’t get it all over, I’m saying I think he uses makeup to even his skin tone out. But whatever. That ended in her saying something like, at least she passed college, she didn’t flunk out three times.

Not fun.

But the next day was a bit better. Did some shopping. Might have been the day we went to Hot Topic. Can’t remember. Anyhoo. I spent too much there. Got a bunch of random earrings/nose rings, whatever, red sparkly nail polish, and purple fender guitar pick earrings and that all cost me forty bucks. I think I’m leaving something out but I can’t for the life of me remember what. The random earrings alone were 20.

We also rented some dvds, including the ‘Yellow Submarine’ Beatles movie. So that night we got drunk and watched it. It was a good movie, I enjoyed it, but through the entire movie, I had this “WTF” look on my face. It was very random. It’d be a lot to fun to watch on shrooms or lsd or something. xD Or high. I imagine it would be, anyway.

So, that next day wasn’t a whole lot of fun. I volunteered to go to the store for them to get some milk, and a couple of blank tapes (Vanessa wanted to tape Yellow Submarine, and I wanted to tape this Def Leppard dvd she’s got). I ended up using the last 7 dollars I had to my name to do that.

When I got back, I yelled “Honey, I’m home” when I walked in the door, just to be funny, but just about the first thing out of Vanessa’s mouth was “Can you ask us before you eat certain things?” and then launched into a whole speech that ended up making me feel guilty for eating some summer sausage and a can of tuna.

Okay, sure. I should have asked you beforehand. I give you that, but honestly, you can get a can of tuna for 50 cents at the store. Besides, with all the food and shit I brought, I thought I did my part. I brought two steaks, a half bag of chips, a can of pringles, a jar of salsa, candy, at least two things of Ramen, a box of macaroni and cheese, a package of ground turkey, I used most of the Casey’s gift cards I’d gotten for Christmas on buying pizza, I bought two bottles of vodka and two six packs of Hornsby’s hard cider and probably a couple other random things I’m forgetting… so making me feel guilty about eating something that doesn’t even add up to three dollars is a little insane. Just the vodka and the cider alone were worth almost forty dollars.

It wasn’t just that, though. Two of the nights I was there, two thirds of the people in the house had a big argument. This has happened the last two times I’ve stayed over which is making me think it has something to do with me.

Another thing that kinda irked me was.. Okay. A lot of people are under a lot of stress right now. Vanessa’s having trouble finding a job, since the clothing store she worked at closed down. Bills to pay. Frustration. So I can understand being worried and stressed about that, but I felt like she was taking it out on other people (myself, and her boyfriend). Quite frankly I felt like she was having to put me down to build herself up. Sure it sucks you can’t find a job, but always having to have it worse than me or having to always find some way to have it better than me wears down on me after a while. It’s not my goddam fault. And I don’t have it as bad as you, trust me, I know that, but I don’t have to be as bad or worse off than you to tell you to stay positive (the only times I really stay positive are when everyone else is feeling down, weirdly). I’m trying to help. Constantly talking down to me isn’t going to make me want to help out, and using trivial issues as a vessel for more serious shit you want to say or do isn’t going to help.

I was a bit nervous about putting this here because of the people who read it, but it’s not like I’m giving out the secret recipe for like, Bush’s baked beans or something. It’s my damn blog. I’ll write what I want. I don’t hate her or anything, I’m just frustrated. After all, though, we don’ t have very many fights. We barely get into arguments at all. Sometimes I wish we had small fights more often so they wouldn’t balloon up and explode like that.

Over all I had fun, though.

Now that that’s over with. Work has been work. When I’ve gotten to come in, and work has actually been open, that is. Although I just about killed the twit I work with again on Friday. Staying at Vanessa’s meant sleeping on a not very comfortable couch which was all fine and dandy until either the day I got home or the day after, my back started hurting really bad. I’m thinking it’s just because I had to contort myself in all kinds of weird positions on the couch at Vanessa’s. But for about three days, I was hobbled over, absolutely no way to sit, lay down, or do anything felt comfortable, and at a couple of points I considered making a doctor’s appointment, because it was starting to get to the level of pain I was having when I hurt my back working at Heartland Inn two summers ago.

I told you that to tell you this. Friday was the first day I’d been able to walk in a completely upright position, and sit at the table or computer or anywhere without having to shift my weight every ten seconds. I wanted to leave work early because I didn’t want to hurt my back again on the first day in four days that it had been feeling somewhat better. Of course the twit wouldn’t have that. What the manager chick told him was that someone could leave. What he told me was that the manager chick told him HE could leave.

Which is all well and good. I need the money. I also can’t afford to hurt my back again and have to pay for the doctor visit and the muscle relaxant I’d be prescribed.

Whatever, though. Lastnight was better, even though he was still being a tool. I left early, but stayed at the bar to have a few.

Lastnight was one of those, why bother, I’m a bit depressed kind of nights over all. I mean, I had some great laughs with a couple of the cooks that work there, and I wish that kind of euphoric humor could last all night. It was basically another night spent wishing I could think of something intelligent to say. Another night spent wishing that I had the guts to go up and dance, and move the way music makes me want to move. Something in my brain is holding me back from doing a lot of the things I want to do. I want to get up and dance weirdly and not care who sees. I want to have intelligent conversations with people and not worry about what they’ll think of me. I want to not feel so put down by all these gorgeous women that come into the bar. On that note there were a LOT of them. All too drunk to care about how slutty their dancing looked and how much it made me suddenly want to play a very violent video game or kill a cute furry animal or something.

This brings me to the “women worry about the dumbest shit” bit of my previous blog. This is either an insane way to think, or all females are idiots because they think that way. Why do we get so jealous? Was it weird to wish that all the other females in the bar were really ugly so I’d feel better about how I looked? Did I even really need to ask? xP

Because that’s insane. Everyone doesn’t have to be ugly for me to feel good about myself. And I thought I did. I wore a new shirt and jewelry I liked, so I felt good in what I was wearing, and I was hoping that sort of confidence would rub off on people so to speak. It was more of that goddam sit around and wait for people to talk to you, so they don’t type of shit. It’s really frustrating, but it seems I’m unable to do anything about it, because that seems to be the only thing I bitch about in here any more.

Last night was fun, but I’m going to be concentrating on saving up to move out so I can perhaps afford to get some counseling on my social anxiety  (I don’t care if there’s no official diagnosis, I’m about 200% sure I have some form of it that includes social paranoia).

As I mentioned earlier this entry, I am trying to work on the issues I said I was going to, and I suppose I shouldn’t feel too discouraged. After all, it’s not like all my resolutions were magically going to happen right away. It’s going to be a continual effort through the year. So we’ll see if anything has changed by next year.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go have some french toast, play some MapleStory, and try to enjoy my Sunday and quit worrying about stupid shit (for now anyway).

Nobody knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow…

-Duran Duran, “What Happens Tomorrow”

Happy new year, lords and ladies.

While listening to the aforementioned song, I was struck with a small wave of thought as to New Years and some resolutions I want to put out there.

First off, I’m going to cut back on soda. I love soda but let’s face it, there are better (non alcoholic, lol) things I could be drinking.

Until earlier that was the only thing I really had thought of before hand. Now I’ve come up with another one.

If you know me at all, you know;  how easily I can be offended, how sensitive I can be, how personally I take some things I shouldn’t, and how easily I can get upset and want to cry, all that crap… Well, this year I’m going to suck it the fuck up. I can’t go through life being as easily upset as I sometimes am right now, and over the dumbest things too. I’m going to quit being so damn sensitive. I’m not going to lie, it’s gonna suck at first, but it has to be done. I mean shit.

If I find guys attractive I should not want to punch every female that talks to them (this has happened with a few of the guys I’ve liked; any time they talk to another female I suddenly have this urge to punch said female in the face). Which is retarded. It’s not like, just because I like them, they can no longer pay attention to anyone else. Even if I was dating someone. It’s not like I would be the only female they were allowed to converse with. It’s being a damn female. I mean, I love being female but sometimes we worry about the dumbest shit.

Another thing. If someone doesn’t want to hang out with, talk to, or be around people, I am not going to get all moody and depressed and assume they never want to see or talk to me again or whatever dumb worst case scenario shit it is that I start thinking. They just want some alone time or are in a bad mood. We all have times like this, where we just want to be alone and don’t feel like talking to anyone. I’m going to stop taking it personally, which I shouldn’t in the first place. After all, I would think they were an idiot for assuming I hated them just because I wanted to be alone.

Another thing I have to do is send some of my shyness on a one way trip to some far away foreign country. It’s gotten to the point where it’s even annoying me, so I can’t imagine how much it could be annoying others. Another thing that needs to go is my mostly social anxiety related paranoia. It’s not good for me. If I want to talk to someone, I shouldn’t hold myself back. I can’t spend my whole life waiting for someone else to initiate conversations and all that, or else I’d spend the majority of my years being silent, merely wishing I could say something.

And self esteem. That’s another thing that could use some work. I mean really. Why must I doubt things when people have told me otherwise? Why do I constantly worry about how people think I’m so ugly when I’ve been told on more than one occasion, by more than one guy, no less, that I’m pretty, attractive, or hot (which was probably the most flattering), and I’ve been bought drinks by more than one guy, and I’m assuming guys aren’t going to buy me drinks if they think I’m ugly or annoying.

The self doubt even makes it to my singing; although many people have told me they love my voice, I still worry that they’re just telling me that to be nice; that they don’t want to tell me that I’m really awful.

The thing is, though, some of the people that have told me they liked my voice are blatantly honest. Same with some people who have told me I was attractive. Some of these people, if they don’t like something, they are going to let you KNOW. They aren’t the types to beat around the bush and try to be nice about it. They don’t worry about that sort of thing.

So I don’t know what my problem is.

Even now, as I say all this, getting it all done is not going to be like skipping through a flower garden. More like, trying to claw out of a huge, thorny rose bush. I just have to keep telling myself ‘I don’t know how long it’ll take, but I know it will happen’.

Nothing ventured nothing gained, no more lingering doubt remained. Nothing sacred or profane, everything to gain….

-”Nothing Left to Lose”, by the Alan Parsons Project.

Well kids, 2008 is almost over. It’s been a really strange year. It kind of began with me spending New Years at my best friend Vanessa’s, getting completely tanked in three different bars, and at her house at the time. My camera got crushed under a couch, and I spent a subsequent five or so months not knowing that while the screen was busted, it still took pictures.

I got a summer job at PM Park. I continued to play in Municipal Band.

I visited my friend Vanessa again during the summer and we had fun taking walks, playing video games, taking pictures, having intelligent discussions and of course getting hammered (I’m guessing the last two didn’t occur at the same time).

My PM Park connections got me a job at the Colony Inn, which I am very lucky to have, by the way.

It’s just been a weird whirlwind of a year. To me, it seemed to pass a lot faster than previous years, for some reason. Probably because most of the people I know have had to go through a huge torrent of bullshit.

My dad got laid off from Winnebago after working there for five years. My mother had all sorts of school drama to deal with as did my brother, and I.. well. I struggled with some of the same things I always do, but at the same time, learned a lot.

PM Park taught me I can survive working 8+ hours a day which is going to be a handy skill in life. I also picked up on a few things such as, ‘You can’t always get what you want’, and ‘Work sucks but you have to do it, so you may as well deal with it’… Stuff along these lines. I also thought I learned that it could always be worse (which it could), but looking back, that’s kind of a downer way to look at life.

I don’t know how long that little sliver of optimism will last (probably not long, considering), but I take what I can get in that department.

My Christmas was enjoyable. I received my first mp3 player (a SansaClip 4G), 25 bucks from my Grandpa Pope, a 25 dollar gift card to my favorite coffee place, a calendar, a snowglobe, several cds including a 2 cd greatest hits set by the Doors and the Across the Universe soundtrack, and I got a 20 dollar gift card to Wal-Mart which I spent on headphones for my mp3 player, and speakers for my mp3 player).

All in all, I don’t have any room to complain and I have a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for.

Even though I do have a lot to be thankful for, I am really wishing that life would give some people I know a break.

My best friend is going through a hard time, what with quitting her waitressing job (barely any hours, co workers treating her like shit, etc), and her other job not working out (They had barely any business, plus a pipe burst at work), it’s like… of all the people in the world that deserve a truckload of shit, she got it? Fucking fuck people. She has loads of perserverance, doesn’t take any shit from anyone, she’s one of the nicest people I know, and she actually has a brain, for starters. She’s done her part, and if I could take on half the torrent of crap she’s going through to get some of it off her back, I would.

She’s the last person that deserved it, but that doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I know it’s hard to keep a positive outlook when things get like that, and believe me, I know I’m the last person most would suspect would be spewing optimism all over the place, but trust me, it will get better. It always does. You are a good person. Sure. Good people don’t always make it, but let’s face it, they have a hell of a better chance than people not-so-good people.

Just keep your chin up, and remember my computer’s on all day and my phone line’s  always open (except when I’m sleeping). I know you’ll get through it because it’s the type of person you are.

Anyhoo. I’m visiting my best friend this Friday, but I’m still waiting for the details on when she would prefer I get to Ames. We were planning on me getting there around 6pm, but with the work situation being what it is, that time may have changed. I’m all open to any time so long as I’m there before dark.

Another update you may or may not have been waiting for. If you’re wondering about my sanity, it’s no better off. I continue to be driven mad, and that time of the month hasn’t helped matters along any. I haven’t stayed after work nearly as much which is depressing for my social life but better for my wallet. Oh well. When one door closes, another opens, they always say (I have yet to figure out who ‘they’ are).

In short, this year has been filled with a number of ups and downs. The major downs I could have done without, but if we didn’t have bad times mixed in with the good, we’d have no way to differentiate between them.

I wish you all the best in 2009 (Unless I don’t like you; then may you burn in hell).

People are strange…

-The Doors.

Well. It seems like it’s been ages since I’ve written here but it’s only been a couple weeks. Weird. It seems it was November, and in the time it took me to sneeze, we poofed halfway through December. Where did the time go?

The strange thing about all that is, time seems to fly, except at work. Even when it’s not boring or hectic, it always seems like I’m at work for about twice as long as I actually am.

Anyway. You all know how the computer I’m normally on crapped out on me at the beginning of November, basically. You’ll be happy to know that it is now working, thus my presence here right now. It took long enough. When it was finally up and running and the parentals gave me the go ahead, I honestly could have cried I was so happy.

It wasn’t the internet that I was mad about being kept from, it was the fact that I couldn’t work on any of my pictures during that time. Two weeks is about fourteen days too long to keep me away from my photography.

Work has been work. Last Saturday, I was thisclose to strangling the 14 year old twit I work with. He was just being a complete tool. Arguing with me. Once again, his dishwashing skills were complete crap, and when I told him he needed to start doing his job, he’d say “I AM DOING MY JOB” with a tone of voice that has the uncanny ability to boil tempers in .2 seconds flat. And he was getting lazy. One of the cooks (I believe it was Mitch, but I can’t remember for sure) asked one of us to do something and right away the twit pops up ‘She can do it’. Not that I’m not willing to help out, which I of course am, but it wouldn’t have killed the twit to ask me first. Not to mention he has no right to tell me what to do. I am actually the one with the rights to boss him around but , in the twit’s very own words  ”I don’t have to listen to you”.

I think next time I tell him to do something, I’m going to ask Adam or Mitch to tell him, because the twit will listen to them.

I think this is partially my fault because when I first started working with the twit, I tried to be nice and all; I think the twit started seeing me as more of a pal to goof off with than a person at work who he had to listen to. I’ve been acting like more of the latter, thinking, you know, maybe he’ll get the message, but considering how long it’s taking him to realize there are some dishes that are going to be really hot and he should not just grab bare handed, him learning anything else could take a while. He’s not exactly the brighest. Put it this way. If his intelligence were a Christmas tree it would be a Charlie Brown one. Sparse. Lacking. You get the picture.

Last Tuesday, school was cancelled, so my mother and brother were home all day. I was looking forward to work, since I basically hadn’t gone anywhere since work on Saturday, and I knew I wouldn’t have to work with the twit. I got called and told not to come to work, there probably wouldn’t be enough business.

Thing is, I kinda get shit for hours anyway, so losing one day out of a grand total of four days a week that I work, eh.

On all these tedius work days I seem to be having, I keep thinking to myself, when can I leave, I’m never going to get out of here, but at the same time, I’m trying to tell myself “Yeah, you might not get out of here until two hours after the kitchen closes, but that’s two extra hours you’d get paid for”.

Anyway. Last night. Last night was interesting. My mom and brother were using mom’s car. Dad had to take my car to work because his truck wouldn’t start. So, this left me having to drive the van to work.

The evening didn’t start off all that well. I was on the phone with Vanessa, and I lost track of time. I didn’t get off the phone until like 5:40pm and I go into work at six. I had to rush around getting dressed and such.
It turned out, dad conveniently forgot to tell me that, to get the keys to the van to actually go into the ignition, you have to turn this little thing a certain way. I tried jamming every key on the keyring into the ignition, nothing was working. Meanwhile the minutes are ticking by, I’m paranoid I’ll be late to work.

I call dad (who is at work at this point) in  hysterics, going Why isn’t the car starting, I’ve tried every key on this ring and none of them work, I’m going to be late to work, etc, basically flipping out on him.

I finally get the key in the ignition and get on the road. I’m running late, so I took the highway instead of the residental streets I usually take to work.

So, the roads are kinda slick, and I’m not used to driving the van, and even though I was going the speed limit, the stupid prick behind me was tailgating me like it was going out of fucking style. Keep in mind that I’m already panicky about being late to work, add the icy roads, my paranoia of getting in an accident, and everything, I was in a GREAT mood when I got to work.

It soon got better though. Everyone in the kitchen laughed and joked around for a bit.

We were super busy because in addition to the regular bar and restaurant business, there was a party going on in the party room.

Business died down a little around 9, and since it was the twit’s turn to leave early, he went home. Not ten minutes later, I start getting endlessly bombarded with full bus tubs, huge pans, oven racks, huge knives. One of the knives in question was at least twelve inches long.

My hands were slippery from washing a bunch of greasy dishes. I was in hurry, trying to keep up with all the dishes and shit. I grabbed the knife in question and was wiping it off when my  hand slipped and I put a nice half inch long slash on the middle finger on my left hand.

Earlier today I took the liberty of taking a picture, because I can. I’m posting the link, because the picture is huge. http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj281/OpenTheDoor_Blue/My%20photos/DSCF7102.jpg

It was pretty hard to keep my composure after that, considering I don’t really like seeing blood, even if it’s not that much.

I don’t remember exactly when I got off work, but it couldn’t have happened fast enough.
So anyway, I stayed after work, because it was just one of those work days where you just need a damn drink afterwards.

I sat at the bar to bother my co workers, and once again Mitch was very entertaining. I had my sketch book out and was doodling with a colored Sharpie when out of nowhere Mitch says “Dear Santa, please give Mitchell all my presents”. Although I discovered a new dimension to his oddity. At one point he was trying to draw a picture on a napkin and kept messing up, so instead of throwing the napkin away, he ate it.. I’m not lying. I’d have taken a picture if I’d bothered to bring my camera. I just about died laughing.

We had a lot of nice discussions, including one about how I always say ‘It could always be worse’, but he pointed out that it could always be worse, but it could also always be better which quite frankly after the sort of day I’d had I needed that sort of encouragement.

Apparently another thing I need is to initiate conversations more in order to avoid reminding Mitch of his mother.

Tonight at work should be interesting, seeing as I work with the twit again, but on the up side it’s my turn to leave early, and since I’m guessing there won’t be a party tonight, we won’t be as busy. Although, there is another party that’s supposed to be there, I’m not sure when. If it’s tonight I’m gonna be angry. Still. I don’t give a shit, I’m leaving early. If I get out before the kitchen closes I might order some food. A sandwich or something, perhaps. If I can get them to make me half an order of small onion rings I might get that, because honest to god the small order is gigantic. When I ordered that once I shared with like five of my co workers because there was no way I was going to be able to finish it all.

Anyway I’m really going to go now. You won’t see me until Sunday at the earliest.